Monday, March 7, 2016

Letting the girls out

Holy crap. I did it. There will be naysayers, people who might look at me weird. And I have no regrets. Maybe it was the Japanese onsens or living on a sub-tropical island where being on the beach is the norm. Maybe it's the body love articles beginning to inundate the media. Very likely, it's the fact that I finally have a husband who loves every curve, scar and stretch mark I have.  I've earned my tiger stripes with two beautiful boys and multiple surgery scars.

Finally, after 20 years of not loving my body and having people tell me to cover it up or change it somehow, I'm throwing caution to the wind and not giving a damn any more. I've bought a bikini top and plan to wear it this year! I feel good in it, sexy even. Actually, I bought two! Well, to be honest, they were actually sports bras that look very much like bathing suit tops. I mean, really, the selection at the BX is limited for a busty woman like myself and I don't have time to find something decent.
(NOT the one I bought, luckily)
Either the "girls" will be hanging half out of the bra, the material is super ugly, or added ruffles will make them seem bigger than they are. So cute, supportive sports bras will have to work.

I've had many health problems the last couple of years and we're very close to figuring out what's going on. Running a few more tests Friday when we're back in the states. Studying these issues led to a severe change in diet and finding some crazy food sensitivities and thus a drastic weight loss. Despite still being 20 pounds heavier than I was before my first son was born, I feel stronger and sexier than ever. For the first time since I was about 11, I'm going to wear a bikini. (Gawd, did I really say that?!)

I think my body issues first started when I was 13 at sleepaway camp in California. A very athletic girl a year older than me told me my thighs needed to be thinner. Of course they didn't and still don't. I have muscular legs and have never had, never will have a thigh gap. From then on, I wore a one piece suit and usually some shorts over them. Why I let that girl dominate my thoughts about myself, I'll never know. 

A former boyfriend once told me my butt was too big and lumpy. The joke is on him as it's my best feature! 
"You've gained to much weight for me to find you attractive any more."
"You just don't have the ballerina physique I admire."
"Can't you just do some more situps/leg curls/pushups etc?"
"Please don't wear something so revealing. You need to cover up those breasts."
"Maybe you should wear bottoms with a little skirt to cover your legs/tankini to cover your stomach."

Unfortunately, those mean comments stuck with me too. Why do we hurt each other? I may be heavier but I'm not honestly that out of shape. Hell, I look pretty damn good for 41 and two kids! So I'm not going to give two flying f***s what anyone says of my new confidence.  Long live the bikini!

Monday, February 22, 2016

3 Years and a Lifetime

(SAP ALERT!)(But only for a brief time. Deal with it or read on.)

Wow. Three years today I literally ran down the aisle to my love. Scratch that. Capital L Love. The last year has been the hardest we've ever had to go thru as well as the sweetest. We're finding the silver lining in life when the damn Universe hands us baskets of lemons. (Hint: vodka lemonade and limoncello!) After lots of health issues on my part and then a bitter court battle, my boys decided to try to live with their dad for a couple of years and our house became empty. But not empty of love. It's just quiet and sometimes very lonely. We miss and love all four of our boys, no matter where they are in the world and they have our hearts. Our awesome dog Sparky and his little sister Kina keep us company too and they're now our fur children.

In all of this, my husband has been my rock. We lean on each other for support and shelter and push each other to be better, as humans and as partners. We didn't really get to live as newlyweds as the kids were here so now we're truly discovering what it takes to be good partners as well as best friends. (See? Silver lining.) What does one get for the Leather Anniversary anyway? (ooh, don't be dirty!) We do need periodic reminders of our vows to each other but we're doing pretty damn well so far! I've never known, until now, what it really meant to be complete and content. I'm finally able to be myself and still be adored. With him by my side, we're also making friends who like us for who we are and think similarly.

Whether spelunking, eating street vendor food in other countries or being silly with each other and our family, we try to make the most of every day. We're weirdos that way.

The next couple of years hold some more changes for us (like all military couples) when he retires from the USAF. We have NO idea where we're headed but do know some places we'd like to go. In the meantime, we're hashing more, doing some traveling and bringing the youngest kids along with us when they visit from the states. We're taking some time this spring to fly back to the states to visit family and friends and take the boys to the Grand Canyon. More Camping Adventures! Christmas and summer never come soon enough! God, how I miss them! Some day soon, we hope to visit the Major's sons too. We haven't seen them in years and it's so difficult being so far away. We started a successful FB page about typhoons in the Pacific and are enjoying spending more time on this gorgeous island.

So, Happy 3rd Anniversary, my Love. Words are so trite when I try to think of how much I love and adore you. My heart aches with happiness and the Universe isn't big enough. I laugh louder, cry sweeter tears, am able to explore my identity more fully and sing with more gusto. You've literally given me the world and I can never thank you enough.

b <3 M