Letting the girls out

Holy crap. I did it. There will be naysayers, people who might look at me weird. And I have no regrets. Maybe it was the Japanese onsens or living on a sub-tropical island where being on the beach is the norm. Maybe it's the body love articles beginning to inundate the media. Very likely, it's the fact that I finally have a husband who loves every curve, scar and stretch mark I have.  I've earned my tiger stripes with two beautiful boys and multiple surgery scars.

Finally, after 20 years of not loving my body and having people tell me to cover it up or change it somehow, I'm throwing caution to the wind and not giving a damn any more. I've bought a bikini top and plan to wear it this year! I feel good in it, sexy even. Actually, I bought two! Well, to be honest, they were actually sports bras that look very much like bathing suit tops. I mean, really, the selection at the BX is limited for a busty woman like myself and I don't have time to find something decent.

(NOT the one I bought, luckily)

Either the "girls" will be hanging half out of the bra, the material is super ugly, or added ruffles will make them seem bigger than they are. So cute, supportive sports bras will have to work.

I've had many health problems the last couple of years and we're very close to figuring out what's going on. Running a few more tests Friday when we're back in the states. Studying these issues led to a severe change in diet and finding some crazy food sensitivities and thus a drastic weight loss. Despite still being 20 pounds heavier than I was before my first son was born, I feel stronger and sexier than ever. For the first time since I was about 11, I'm going to wear a bikini. (Gawd, did I really say that?!)

I think my body issues first started when I was 13 at sleepaway camp in California. A very athletic girl a year older than me told me my thighs needed to be thinner. Of course they didn't and still don't. I have muscular legs and have never had, never will have a thigh gap. From then on, I wore a one piece suit and usually some shorts over them. Why I let that girl dominate my thoughts about myself, I'll never know. 

A former boyfriend once told me my butt was too big and lumpy. The joke is on him as it's my best feature! 

"You've gained to much weight for me to find you attractive any more."

"You just don't have the ballerina physique I admire."

"Can't you just do some more situps/leg curls/pushups etc?"

"Please don't wear something so revealing. You need to cover up those breasts."

"Maybe you should wear bottoms with a little skirt to cover your legs/tankini to cover your stomach."

Unfortunately, those mean comments stuck with me too. Why do we hurt each other? I may be heavier but I'm not honestly that out of shape. Hell, I look pretty damn good for 41 and two kids! So I'm not going to give two flying f***s what anyone says of my new confidence.  Long live the bikini!

My friends, my mother figures

Needless to say, I've been a bit busy recently! To my readers, I apologize for not keeping you more in the loop. I'll catch you all up tomorrow. Today, I want to reach out to some incredible people.

My friends, my mother figures on this Mothers Day 2013.

I have friends who have never known the sweet feeling of a baby kicking from inside them. Of knowing you're inextricably linked to another human being for all time. Others were close but that sweet feeling was yanked from them when it was in reach. Some of my friends have felt this cruel trick of fate a number of times. But they keep going.
You are a wonderful mom.

I have friends who saw their children born and for whatever reason, God had other plans in mind for these little ones. These moms barely felt the softness of their babies skin and smelled that precious smell that only comes from the downy scalp of a newborn before an achey emptiness filled their arms and forever filled their hearts. An emptiness that will never go away.
You are a wonderful mom.

I have friends who have chosen not to have children of their own for religious, personal or medical reasons. Or they just haven't had the chance yet. But, they are some of the most caring individuals you'll meet. They take care of their friends and family like their own kids; who would do anything to make sure their comfort was first. Some became teachers to guide others or nurses and doctors to heal.
You are a wonderful mom.

I have friends with hearts big enough to encompass the world. They may have children born of their wombs or those born of their hearts, men and women alike. They've adopted lovely little ones who someone else couldn't care for; who were literally and figuratively left out in the cold. The gay couple who have nurtured a teenager who's bounced around from foster home to foster home because his own mother is in jail for drug abuse. The straight couple who have flown thousands of miles back and forth to India and brought home two of the nicest kids you'll meet who seamlessly fit into their All-American family.
You are wonderful moms.

I have friends who've adopted furbabies too; abused and neglected animals that needed love as much as the cutest puppy. Who lavish affection on a living creature that no one wanted which will now fiercely defend their "moms" to the death.
You are wonderful moms.

I have friends who, once their own babies were grown or gone, took on the task of being moms to the rest of mankind. Who became leaders in their communities or took on organizations to foster compassion and success in others. The former pageant director who is like my second mom and still rocks out to Led Zepplin. The friend who served as our officiant and who has the best hugs and can be relied upon to give excellent advice. My own children look up to her. The owner of her own online company who will drink and laugh with you but also doesn't take any BS from you when she sees it.
You are wonderful moms.

I have friends who've tried their best to raise their children to be loving and respectable people. But those kids somehow lost their way or got in with the wrong crowd. Those moms could only painfully stand by as their children made horrible mistakes which will follow them the rest of their lives. Moms who are vilified for giving up their children because they simply were not able to give them a good home at the time. Who so desperately wish things could have been different and happiness could have been theirs.
You are wonderful moms.

I have a mother-in-law who is scrappy, funny and a diamond in the rough. She may not have much but she shares nonetheless. Her tiny house was, and still is, a refuge for the Major's and his brother's friends, even to the point of letting them live there for a bit when they were on the outs with their own parents. She cares for a young man who has trouble leaving alcohol alone and lives in his van. But he looks up to her as his own mother. She lives every day in severe pain from an injury she sustained as a nurse but by God, she will do what she can to make sure you're comfortable. She offers the food in her fridge, the hot water in her tub and a spare bedroom to strangers and friends alike. She's straightforward and plain spoken and some people don't care to hear the truth from her. But I adore her for it.
You are a wonderful mom.

To my own mother. My Maman. The strength of our family. (great, now I'm tearing up before I even write this section.) I get it now. The fear that wakes you in a panic that you'll lose the babies sleeping peacefully in the next room. The fear that you haven't been good enough, that you wish there had been a manual on raising kids properly. The gut-wrenching sadness at watching them make mistakes and fail or getting their hearts broken and you can't make it truly better because it's something they have to go through. The heart-bursting joy when the little one commands you drop everything you're doing in that very instant, simply because he wants to give you a hug. The frustration of disciplining your children but they must grow up to be self-sufficient and caring human beings. The exhaustion of trying to do everything possible when there is just too much to do and you aren't even physically capable, but the happiness of your kids and smooth running of the household demand it. Thank you for standing as an excellent example of these teachings to me and my sisters. I love you.

YOU ARE A WONDERFUL MOM.