Letting the girls out

Holy crap. I did it. There will be naysayers, people who might look at me weird. And I have no regrets. Maybe it was the Japanese onsens or living on a sub-tropical island where being on the beach is the norm. Maybe it's the body love articles beginning to inundate the media. Very likely, it's the fact that I finally have a husband who loves every curve, scar and stretch mark I have.  I've earned my tiger stripes with two beautiful boys and multiple surgery scars.

Finally, after 20 years of not loving my body and having people tell me to cover it up or change it somehow, I'm throwing caution to the wind and not giving a damn any more. I've bought a bikini top and plan to wear it this year! I feel good in it, sexy even. Actually, I bought two! Well, to be honest, they were actually sports bras that look very much like bathing suit tops. I mean, really, the selection at the BX is limited for a busty woman like myself and I don't have time to find something decent.

(NOT the one I bought, luckily)

Either the "girls" will be hanging half out of the bra, the material is super ugly, or added ruffles will make them seem bigger than they are. So cute, supportive sports bras will have to work.

I've had many health problems the last couple of years and we're very close to figuring out what's going on. Running a few more tests Friday when we're back in the states. Studying these issues led to a severe change in diet and finding some crazy food sensitivities and thus a drastic weight loss. Despite still being 20 pounds heavier than I was before my first son was born, I feel stronger and sexier than ever. For the first time since I was about 11, I'm going to wear a bikini. (Gawd, did I really say that?!)

I think my body issues first started when I was 13 at sleepaway camp in California. A very athletic girl a year older than me told me my thighs needed to be thinner. Of course they didn't and still don't. I have muscular legs and have never had, never will have a thigh gap. From then on, I wore a one piece suit and usually some shorts over them. Why I let that girl dominate my thoughts about myself, I'll never know. 

A former boyfriend once told me my butt was too big and lumpy. The joke is on him as it's my best feature! 

"You've gained to much weight for me to find you attractive any more."

"You just don't have the ballerina physique I admire."

"Can't you just do some more situps/leg curls/pushups etc?"

"Please don't wear something so revealing. You need to cover up those breasts."

"Maybe you should wear bottoms with a little skirt to cover your legs/tankini to cover your stomach."

Unfortunately, those mean comments stuck with me too. Why do we hurt each other? I may be heavier but I'm not honestly that out of shape. Hell, I look pretty damn good for 41 and two kids! So I'm not going to give two flying f***s what anyone says of my new confidence.  Long live the bikini!

That Noisy, Loud Voice

One of my goals these last two weeks was to start a regular routine of working out. Sure, it takes more time than that to establish something more concrete, but it's a start. I was so gung ho about working out, running nearly every day and getting into fantastic shape at the beginning of the year. No, it wasn't one of those NYE resolutions gone the way of the gutter. I had a great routine going. But then life and sickness crashed down on me.

I got a severe lung infection and bronchitis the week of the Warrior Dash, early in the summer. And I was also in the process of packing up our house to move in here. Two stressful times, if ever there were worse. After a round of antibiotics and steroids, I went ahead with the Dash, passing out afterward and having the Major fetch me the first aid folks who promptly began reprimanding me for running the extreme 5K in the hot sun on the meds I was taking. (Hey, I'm hardcore about this!) So, I took some time off. To recover and to pack. By then, as temperatures are wont to do in this god-forsaken state in summer, Hades was blazing outside. Simply walking out the door in 110 F with 60% humidity was stifling. Whoever put the pan of water into the stove known as Oklahoma and turned it on high was a jerk!

It's beginning to cool off and all four of us have bikes we can ride around the neighborhood. So that's a start. I've been using freeweights, doing yoga, pilates and weight resistance moves and starting to see some results. My weight and body issues have always been a sore point with me and I haven't been seeing as many results as I'd like. I'd had an affair with weight-loss supplements in the past and as someone with heart problems as a kid, this was stupid, obviously. However, the allure of the vitamin-slash-weight loss aisle was calling to me at the store yesterday.

"Quick results!"
"Lose half a human in three weeks!"
"Eating? That's for pigs! Never be hungry again!" they all claimed.

And then there's fun stuff they only whisper:
"Have heart palpitations for life!"
"Dizziness and nausea mean the product is working!"
"Just think, you'll be thin and pretty when you die!"

The loudest voice though was one that reverberated in my head from last year, when the Major threatened to literally spank me so hard I couldn't sit down if I ever touched any of those products again. I'd not seen him so angry at me about my health. The threat of me being a grown woman spanked like a child, as well as several friends who would probably help him hold me down, made me drop the bottle of "ephedra-free" pill o'the week so fast I almost broke it. Instead, I hustled over to the next aisle and got some dried fruits.

I've been pretty good this week, even getting in some swimming and eating fairly well. Dropped a few pounds and watched parts of my body head back north where they belong. (No, I'm not posting pics. Don't ask.)

After telling the rest of the voices in my head to shut up, I sure am enjoying this small bowl of ice cream I so richly deserve!