Letting the girls out

Holy crap. I did it. There will be naysayers, people who might look at me weird. And I have no regrets. Maybe it was the Japanese onsens or living on a sub-tropical island where being on the beach is the norm. Maybe it's the body love articles beginning to inundate the media. Very likely, it's the fact that I finally have a husband who loves every curve, scar and stretch mark I have.  I've earned my tiger stripes with two beautiful boys and multiple surgery scars.

Finally, after 20 years of not loving my body and having people tell me to cover it up or change it somehow, I'm throwing caution to the wind and not giving a damn any more. I've bought a bikini top and plan to wear it this year! I feel good in it, sexy even. Actually, I bought two! Well, to be honest, they were actually sports bras that look very much like bathing suit tops. I mean, really, the selection at the BX is limited for a busty woman like myself and I don't have time to find something decent.

(NOT the one I bought, luckily)

Either the "girls" will be hanging half out of the bra, the material is super ugly, or added ruffles will make them seem bigger than they are. So cute, supportive sports bras will have to work.

I've had many health problems the last couple of years and we're very close to figuring out what's going on. Running a few more tests Friday when we're back in the states. Studying these issues led to a severe change in diet and finding some crazy food sensitivities and thus a drastic weight loss. Despite still being 20 pounds heavier than I was before my first son was born, I feel stronger and sexier than ever. For the first time since I was about 11, I'm going to wear a bikini. (Gawd, did I really say that?!)

I think my body issues first started when I was 13 at sleepaway camp in California. A very athletic girl a year older than me told me my thighs needed to be thinner. Of course they didn't and still don't. I have muscular legs and have never had, never will have a thigh gap. From then on, I wore a one piece suit and usually some shorts over them. Why I let that girl dominate my thoughts about myself, I'll never know. 

A former boyfriend once told me my butt was too big and lumpy. The joke is on him as it's my best feature! 

"You've gained to much weight for me to find you attractive any more."

"You just don't have the ballerina physique I admire."

"Can't you just do some more situps/leg curls/pushups etc?"

"Please don't wear something so revealing. You need to cover up those breasts."

"Maybe you should wear bottoms with a little skirt to cover your legs/tankini to cover your stomach."

Unfortunately, those mean comments stuck with me too. Why do we hurt each other? I may be heavier but I'm not honestly that out of shape. Hell, I look pretty damn good for 41 and two kids! So I'm not going to give two flying f***s what anyone says of my new confidence.  Long live the bikini!

Objects in mirror are not what they appear

Holy cow, what a summer. And what a glorious life I'm living. Yes, I'm going to brag just a little. It's healthy to be happy, dammit!

We've all made it to Okinawa after a July from hell where I nearly die from a diseased gallbladder and abscesses, where the Major flies back on emergency leave to literally save my life by helping me stabilize enough to get out of ICU, and then help me hobble around with a stomach stent in my chest to drain out the infection. (Bleargh). After we survive August with a horrendous flight from Seattle to Okinawa in a cramped and screaming-baby-filled airplane for 18 cruel hours. Though the boys liked Seattle and we spent some amazing time with friends Ken and Kelly and Heather! (Thanks for the hospitality, lovelies!) I showed the boys all my favorite places and they still talk about it.

We are here and loving it! The boys are able to talk to their family back in Oklahoma almost every day and I'm glad of it. (Thank you, Facetime and Vonage!) They are doing well here though there are adjustments. The oldest is in a more challenging school and though a middle schooler, is taking two high school level classes. He puts a lot of stress on himself, unfortunately, and is too much like his mama in being the perfectionist. Being with friends is helping him though. SOOO much better than last year when he struggled to fit in and couldn't make friends.

The youngest has taken to the place like he's never lived anywhere else. It's amazing to me. He's grown two inches and gained at least five pounds on his skinny frame. He's now reading books like the Harry Potter series and I can barely get him inside until it's dark outside. A group of boys his age keeps him busy.

The house is nearly unpacked after three weeks. I can't believe how well it's coming along! I'm so OCD about it and want it done two weeks ago but it's not realistic. I'll be lucky to get pictures up in three weeks and I'm almost okay with that.

I just want it to feel like home. For me, for the Major, for the boys. And we've almost succeeded.

For me, I'm keeping a positive attitude. There are those who criticize, who've called me selfish, mean and can't understand "why I would take the boys away from their family and friends." Sorry, but it's an opportunity for them to grow outside that small-town mentality. To see the world and the people in it. To have their eyes opened but still have roots. Because they deserve to see the beauty of the world and LIVE it, not just visit it.

I'm keeping it positive for myself as well. There are too many horror stories of spouses who never leave base in their egocentricity. Who mock and demean everything different about their host country, simply because it isn't like home. Isn't like America. Isn't like their rose-colored vision of small town USA. I've found amazing people here.

This is an actual sunset I saw on Sunday at Araha Beach, Okinawa. ©

Seen the most gorgeous sunsets I could imagine. Learned to drive on the opposite (NOT the wrong-) side of the street in a tiny car down streets I can't pronounce much less read the letters to which make up their names. I've felt a sense of accomplishment, of growth, of expansion into a greater self. And I was scared shitless the whole time. No, really. I got a stomach-ache later that day from venturing out into unknown traffic, buying produce in a store where no one spoke English using strange currency, and still managed to make it home.

Only once have I broken down, sobbing, missing my friends and family more than I could bare. Watching my nieces and nephew grow from so far away is hard. I can't just go to my mom or my best friends and have a hug because I need it. And I'm not good enough friends with folks here to do that. I've been so busy setting up house and running around with the family, I've lost more weight. I don't recognize myself as the chubby bunny anymore and it's weird. I have a bit of homesickness but it isn't something to dwell on. It's natural and I get melancholy sometimes. (Meg knows what I mean.) I have the most amazing friends and I just remember that I'm adding to that bunch. The spouses group here is so fun and I'm learning the lingo. The Air Force Ball, which I FINALLY get to go to!, is this Saturday. And I'm going to have a grand time with my love. I'm keeping this face because the mask is off.

I'm happy and nothing can break me down. 

Happiness is Furious

What's to tell? I've been swamped physically and emotionally for the last month. So much going on I can't wrap my mind around some of it. All I can do is hope everything turns out for the best in the next couple of weeks and life will finally move forward. Ever had that feeling of limbo? Where one thing can't be done until this other thing is done first but then you have three other things that require that first thing? But I'll be damned if those three things don't require something of the second thing too. Yeah, swampy limbo.

At least the passports, both military and civilian travel, have been filed and I'm just waiting for them to arrive. The dog is up-to-date on shots and micro-chipped. All the medical histories have been collected and sent, ID cards, insurance and dependent care done.  Most of those were contingent on me getting my taxes done and THEN changing my name legally with both SSN and on my driver's license. Holy hell, that's a LOT of paperwork!! Thru the grace of God, I'm getting a little money back from last year since I basically lived below the poverty level. The majority of that will go to paying back some bills I accumulated during my last marriage. I hate owing.

Speaking of owing, I'm owed an apology from a few people but I have to try to forget that. Some people you just feel sorry for because their hatred is sadly misplaced. The mistruths they tell will come out in the end and it makes me sad. (Yes, I know I'm digressing from my usual happy, go-lucky but this last month has brought out the beast in me. The Major keeps me from baring my teeth too much, luckily.) A lot of my anxiety is self-imposed. I'm scared to death of living overseas. Of living in an unfamiliar environment and what happens if the Major is deployed while we're there? What happened to those friends I thought I'd have forever who suddenly don't have my back? Thank God we have base sponsors and there's a strong spouse's network. I keep reminding myself that I won't be alone, that I make friends easily and my will to be happy is stronger than my fear of the unknown. C'est la vie.

For now, I'm going to be #FuriouslyHappy. (<-- I wish I knew The Bloggess in person. We'd have lots of wine slushies, talk snark and pound the table in laughter.) Because the Universe can suck it when it tries to bring me down. I have love, wine and my family and friends. God evidently loves me because I have all of these in my life in abundance.

So neener, neener punkin' eater. No more whinin', ya big baby. This mama wants no more drama! But I do want glitter. LOTS of it. Plus jazz hands because the Universe better start doing a tap dance while I aim both barrels at its feet. I'm about to blow the lid off a can of whoop-ass.

To my son, with love

Twelve years ago at this time (1:45 pm CST) I was hooked up to monitors at a hospital 40 miles from home, listening to the steady thrum-thrum-thrum of a muffled heartbeat. Nurses periodically checked in on me, taking vitals, feeling for changes. (That one with the particularly large and knobby fingers was NOT welcome again after her first visit. I'm sorry, but NO woman should be subjected to that while in the throes of labor! Witch.) I had worked the day before, a Monday, feeling a bit worse for wear and achey. My husband at the time had had every one of his wisdom teeth removed that day and was loopy as a doormouse. I had gone to bed around 9, very tired and somehow knowing I wouldn't get much sleep for the next 40+ years. We weren't expecting this little bundle for five years but he decided the combination of antacids+ the Pill after too much tequila+ Mexican food on the Fourth of July was the perfect time to make an appearance.

At 3:30 am, the H got up to take his dose of painkillers. This was also the exact time I woke up, gripped my stomach and gasped. The constant Braxton-Hicks I had felt for several weeks was NOTHING compared to the tightening of my entire body and losing my breath in pain. Quickly remembering lamaze techniques, I went into laser-focused Feather mode. In crisis or extreme stress, my sense of clarity is crystal and I begin planning/implementation processes. I also tend to be a bit short with people. (No height jokes, thank you. Yes, I'm little. :-P) We hadn't quite planned for this little one to come two weeks early. I couldn't very well drive myself to the hospital in another city and neither could H since he was on painkillers. A quick call to a good friend had her at our house in a few minutes and on our way to be parents.

On the way to the hospital, I had the same sense of calm as when I recently married the Major. I breathed regularly thru each contraction and smiled, knowing I would soon hold a little bundle of awesome. Over the years, he's shown me how wrong I was. He's way more awesome than I can say. He reminds me so much of my dad, and not just because they have the same eyes and name. This incredibly talented and smart almost-man is as tall as I am with one of the kindest hearts I've ever come across. When the Major is TDY, the J-Meister takes his job of "man of the house" very seriously, watching out for his momma and little brother. His insight is scary sometimes. He knows if I'm not fully telling him the truth, if I'm trying to protect him from certain things. I swear he's like a sponge, absorbing all that life has to offer and learning everything in sight.

This morning, I kept a tradition alive my dad started with me and my sisters when we were little. I finally found a little mom and pop donut shop that made specialty donuts. Most of the shops around here have their donuts shipped in from a bakery. Sure, they may have been made late last night but they couldn't compare to the smell of baked goods wafting from that kitchen. The owner even made a special sprinkles and M&Ms one just for the birthday boy. The kid was stoked!

Sgt. Frog or Keroro Gunso
about an alien frog who tries
to take over the world...badly.

Now, his life is about to change and I'm so proud of how he's handling everything. Looking thru every website he can about Japan and Okinawa. Watching Japanese cartoons (which are HIGH-larious, dubbed in English, btw. They even thru in a "I'll have what Meg Ryan is having." joke!) and asking a million questions about how all of this affects him and his brother. He's an amazing boy and I'm so proud to be his mom.

Happy Birthday, my oldest! I can't thank God enough for putting you in my life!

Lanternalia

When I first started planning a wedding months ago before our actual engagement (hey, a girl was hopeful!), I began a few Pinterest boards. (Almost 1,600 followers as of this writing! Holy COW!) I had an affinity for Alice in Wonderland as a theme because the Major was so much the Mad Hatter. Quirky, funny and at times a bit off his rocker. But that suited me perfectly. And of course, when Downton Abbey came along, I was hooked into the Edwardian time period. Since that's when Lewis Carroll began his classic tome, combining the themes would be the ideal wedding. Classy and fun. As we know, the USAF had other plans, which the Major made incredible with a surprise flashmob wedding, with our own unique wedding vows.

But I didn't necessarily want it so lavish it would break the bank. After all, the Major and I would be paying for it all. Gathering our resources in friends and family, I scoured books, websites and picked the brains of loved ones for fun, inexpensive ways to pull this off. We had set it for our backyard and I began treating the grass, pulling a scrabbly heather-like weed out of the yard whenever possible, cutting back dead tree branches, planting, etc. Anne and I browsed thrift shops for old china dishes and teacups to use as placewear for the reception, which we had pared down to about 75 people. (Most cups were about 66 cents with plates upwards of $1.21 depending on wear) The checkered dance floor would go here, the croquet court (complete with flamingo yard ornaments!) over there and the Cheshire Cat DIY photobooth under the trees there. Even a Caterpillar Lounge with hookah water pipes on the patio covered with a tent for cocktail hour. At most, I was shooting for spending about $2,500, which is pretty damn cheap for a backyard wedding.

I began making paper lanterns to hang in the trees, for a whimsical look, with a bunch of old scrap paper I had, tied together with ribbon. The concept was easy:

Materials: Scissors, ruler, scrapbook paper (medium thickness or velum), glue gun and sticks, tape, paper plate, ribbon, lace or strips of old cloth.

1. Cut a hole in a small, sturdy paper plate.

2. Cut strips of square scrapbook paper into 1 1/4 inches wide, yielding about 15-20 strips per page. Cut each strip in half for multiple loops; leave uncut for longer lanterns.
3. (Save about 10-15 half strips for step 5, without looping them.) Connect strips end to end using Scotch tape or staples into loops. I found it made the lantern lighter when I used tape. Alternate patterns of loops for a mismatched look but keeping in the same color scheme.

4. Hot glue each loop to the next, about a fourth of the way down, adding loops to get the length of the lantern you want.

5. Make loops like the others in Step 3, wrapping them around the plate circle you made in Step 1. However many it takes to fill up the circle is how many loop strands you'll make. Glue loop strands to the ends of these. Allow to dry completely, laying flat.

6. Thread a piece of ribbon, lace or piece of cloth thru the bottom ends, tying the piece into a bow. Add a ribbon to the plate to attach to lights, trees, etc. Ta-DA!

Here is a finished lantern. Since we're moving though, I'll just have to pack it flat and bring back out for parties once we get to Okinawa. I still plan on having the Alice in Wonderland party but it looks like May or June, just before the Major leaves. We have to have the movers in before that happens. Anyone have a spare couch or bedroom I can crash for a couple months? :)

The Sorting Hat

Why can't I just have a giant Sorting Hat like in Harry Potter that goes over the house and magically tells me where everything goes?
"These things in the Hufflepuff long term storage pile."
"These things in the Gryffindor immediate household goods pile."
"These in the Slytherin you-may-not-see-them-for-months-because-military-shipping pile."

My oldest son has one that the Major brought from DisneyWorld for him but it's not nearly big enough. This is a fairly large house and with four of us in it, we have too much stuff. My goal over the next couple of weeks is to pare it down much more. From furniture to pageant clothes, an iphone and old wedding ring, to a myriad of toys and collectibles I've never shown, I want these things GONE. Out of sight. Sold. Vanished. Most of the stuff in the house seems to be the Major's, minor packrat that he is. Only thing is, we USE everything we have. The six tubs of party goods will definitely need some readjusting. I can't bear to be without our Christmas stuff because the boys will be spending the holiday with their dad over the next three years. But I would still like to decorate our house on the island to feel like home until they leave.

https://www.militarykidsconnect.org/

And why can't there be a Sorting Hat to work thru feelings? As we work custody out with their dad, this is my hopeful plan. It's a readjustment for everyone. I can only hope the changes are helping my kids be more flexible and accepting, opening their minds to all the possibility that world travel opportunities have in store. There are fantastic resources out there and I'm implementing as many as I can to help them thru the transition. Military Kids Connect has a little avatar so younger kids can keep track of their travels with a stamp, coping skills for older kids and even Military 101 for newcomers to learn the lingo. I've been Googling like crazy finding sites for making moving easier. Frankly, some of these sites would probably help me too!

How about a Sorting Hat to go thru the bajillion things that have to be done before the move? Not to mention our trip to Europe in the big middle of it all! (Crap, I nearly forgot about that!) There aren't enough hours in the day to keep the house running somewhat smoothly and normally while also preparing for this worldwide change. Physically and emotionally, it'll be a challenge. You'll notice I'm refraining from negative connotations? I'm determined to be positive about this thru the long haul. After all, I'm moving somewhere exciting (lots of people who've been there before us RAVE about it!) and I'm doing this with my best friend and love and my boys by my side!

For now though, if you're friend or family and plan to come over, either excuse the mess or pitch in and help. Imma need a LOT of it. ;)

Wedding of the century (Part 1)

(Seriously, there's so much awesome to this wedding, it needs a couple of posts to keep from being tl;dr)

Saturday, Feb. 23, 2013 started off beautifully. Smooshed between two snow/ice filled days, the day was a bit brisk but very sunny and warmed up with very little wind. I was surprisingly relaxed, waking up next to the Major as we talked about the things we needed to do before the wedding. My dress STILL did not arrive (in fact, it came in Monday night. It may soon be for sale. Watch for postings.), but the dress we had worked well, especially with the new purple heels my girls Anne and Jessica helped me pick out. I put the finishing touches on my flower/brooch bouquet with brooches from my grandmothers, great aunts, mom and friends. Isn't it pretty?

The Major vacuumed a bit and we picked up around the house since my family was coming over. Frankly, we are such an old married couple attuned to each other's needs. Though the last week was a difficult one full of tears, fears and disappointment, we tried to focus on the positive. This was our wedding day!! He left for several hours and I relaxed, gradually starting the process of getting
ready, which kicked into high gear when my girlfriends arrived. But it seemed something was up. Strange texts from my MOM and the photog to my MoH. Earlier in the day, the Major washing random china pieces bought for the wedding party in June. I racked it up to nerves because it was just a weird thing to do. After spreading glitter all over the known universe, I was finally ready to go, sharing a few happy tears with my girls and plenty of laughs, coffee and chocolate. They went on ahead while I traveled with my mom and her fiance. (She had the most fabulous deep purple hat in keeping with my desire for a fun wedding.) I had quite a bit of excitement in the car but I was still calm, reflecting on the man waiting ahead of me with my sons. Today wasn't about what I was wearing or who would be there but just on the fact I would be married to this man who loved me.

After parking and as we walked up to the Myriad Gardens where we were meet the few family and friends, I saw another friend filming us with his iPad. I hadn't invited him and became a bit suspicious. Hmmmmm. The wedding was supposed to be small. Anne's boyfriend Isaac then came out filming us, wearing purple as well and a super cool top hat! My mom led us around the side and knowing there wasn't an easy entrance there, I asked about it. And then I saw the people. Dozens of people peering over the side of the waterstage amphitheatre at whatever was going on below. Music was playing and there were purple balloons and ribbons in the trees.

We stopped at the top of the stairs and I see about 60 or so people dancing to my favorite song that gets me thru the hard times, Dog Days are Over!! Every person, including children, is wearing a hat! My kids have little top hats on too! In the middle of this craziness is the most wonderful man in the world who had organized a Mad Hatter Tea Party wedding flashmob, in just a week's time. He had called all my family and as many friends as possible, organizing a secret Facebook group where they could plan it all! The teacups he had washed that morning were stacked around the edge of the waterstage, 100 tea flavored cupcakes made by my sister with potluck picnic lunch for attendees and unending JOY. I stood in shock as I spotted the Major dancing next to his best man who had secretly flown in from Boston that morning. My mom pulled me down the stairs and people were cheering like crazy! I couldn't get down the stairs and to the Major fast enough. My words to her were: "I know you were walking me down the aisle but can I go by myself? I just HAVE to get to that man down there! I gotta get to that man!!" I flew as fast as my three inch heels could carry me, launching myself at him and kissing him. I couldn't believe he did all of this! We have the most amazing friends who participated EVER!

Thank you to all of those who came to our wedding and celebrated with us. Thank you to Sara, our awesome officiant. Thank you to my wonderful family!!

We love you!!
(Continued with the vows later and we're making a kickass Youtube video!)

The Caged Bird Sings Happy Birthday

Today is my birthday. I'm not bashful in saying I'm two years shy of 40 and I look fabulous! This morning, the Major and the boys got up early, went to buy donuts for me and surprised me with breakfast in bed. Noms topped with birthday candles! We sat on the bed and ate the sugary deliciousness until it was time for school. The youngest had crawled into bed with me to snuggle for a few minutes alone first, telling me "Now you're 21!" He's been especially snuggly recently, what with all the craziness going on. I'll take what I can get as he'll soon be too big to want to be a snuggle bunny. :(

Tonight, we're celebrating and saying goodbye to good friends Sophia and Matt who are moving to San Fran. I still hope there's cake. Tomorrow, I get the BEST present I could possibly want though. I get to marry the man it seems I've waited forever for. Like everyone else led up to him. The rush up to the wedding and the worry about everything complicated about the move to Japan have had me on the verge of tears and hysteria for the last week. Then I get the bad news late last night that the tailor who made my dress, who had PROMISED it would be here either yesterday or today, didn't send it until last night. Le sigh Sent me into a crying mess of ick. Not quite Bridezilla, thankfully.

The birdcage headpiece I made for tomorrow.

Sure, I know it's just trappings and frills. But this was my Dream dress. When I got married the first time, I was young, impetuous and living in a fantasy world. My mom, who got married far too early (thanks to me), didn't get to have a large wedding so I agreed to just about everything she suggested for our wedding, only insisting on the colors I wanted. And it was gorgeous! Truly a beautiful ceremony and reception for 450 people. Yes, there really were that many invited. I don't begrudge her that at all. But the dress style of the time was poof, pearls and padding. I rivaled Lady Di in her regalia.

As I stated above, I'm nearing 40, I'm a woman who knows what she wants and I want the pared down classiness instead of the pomp and circumstance. Though what I had been planning for June WAS going to be fan-freaking-tastic! Maybe it's some selfishness. But a woman is entitled to want to look and feel her absolute best on her wedding day. The secondary dress we bought the other day isn't quite what I want but it'll do. Because tomorrow, I wed the Major, my best friend, my lover, the one person in this world who truly understands and loves me for all my flaws. He thinks I'm beautiful when I'm blubbering incoherently in my pajamas. So I'll make the most of tomorrow. I'll buy some amazing and colorful new shoegasms (because what outfit is complete without them?), see my family and many of our friends at dinner at a local Japanese restaurant and live and love.

That's what it's about. Year after year, getting older, wiser and happier. Yes, 38 will be the year of change and amazeballs discovery! Bring it on, Life!!

Major, Biggun and Bunny, I love you three with all my heart. Thank you for being in my life. 

Giggly Snort

So I live with my fiance now and very very soon we'll be marrying. It's so awesome how well we get along. So much so, that I've been giggling in my sleep. I didn't believe him until he posted this:

He is in so.much.trouble. My public shame= snorting when laughing too much.

Happy Birthday, Major Resident

It's November and I'm seeing friends list all the things they're thankful for each day on Facebook. If I did that, I'd be a mushy puddle of goo. I'm incredibly thankful, don't get me wrong. I have an amazing family, the best boyfriend in the universe, the best sons a woman could ask for, amazing friends and support systems and my health is good. I have a home, food and am in want for nothing. (Except coffee and chocolate. You can never have too much of those!) But I don't want to save all my thanks for just one month in a post a day.

Today, I'm most thankful for that boyfriend. Who knows where we're headed but this life we lead is fraught with twists and turns and I enjoy seeing the surprises down every curve. We've both been on extreme roll coasters in our lives and come out with the largest teddy at fair. Today, God granted him another birthday. I pray God will grant us another 44 years together, as we were missing so much time together.

I WAS able to sneak onto base with the help of two of his unit crew. Had a cake and cookies and a bunch of people signed a card. I want him to know that he DOES make a difference in the lives of those around him. It's not something he's use to, that's for sure. Throughout the day, I've had friends and family call the house and my cell with messages of good wishes and happiness for his day. ALso bought Avenue Q tix for this weekend. SO excited! I have a few more surprises up my sleeves but until the day is done, I can't reveal. He reads this blog. :)

Baby, you ain't seen nothing yet!

As I said on my own FB:

A few years ago, he showed me friendship. Time passed & it became compassion when my heart hurt the worst. A bit more time & I returned the favor. I couldn't imagine my life without him now, without the laughter & love. Happy Birthday to a most incredible man!  

What's love got to do with it?

*Warning: you may be offended

I cried today. A happy cry because of all the love in my life and a bittersweet cry bemoaning that I couldn't share that kind of love years ago. But that's silly. I had that kind of love but didn't know how to show it or return it and neither could the person I loved. So an impasse came and went. And we are now stronger for it as we learned how to break free from the constraints of miscommunication and are able to show others who communicate the way we do just what love means to us.

And I cried after the following video. I'll share with you why first. Because I want you to listen to this woman's every.single.word. Absorb them, hear them, understand them. Regardless of who is saying them to whomever.

Because these words ring true for every human being on earth, those who love and love deeply, no matter the skin color, gender or creed. There are those who would say the love of one person to another is unnatural, just because those two people have the same parts. But take away the sexual organs and you're still left with beating hearts that speed up with fear and love, slow down with comfort and rest. Souls that are still shiny under the smudge of years. Human thoughts that were innocent as children, jaded as teens, growing still as adults. We are all left with the same things in death. The pharmaceutical world would have us use our parts into old age but really, these vaginas, breasts, penises, parts are not our entirety.

And our entirety deserves love.

Thank you immalittlestrange and B for bringing this artist to my attention.

For 50 years, you were my favorite poem 

And I’d read you every night, knowing I might never understand every word 

But that was okay because the lines of you were the closest thing to holy I’d ever heard. 

You’d say, “This kind of love HAS to be a verb.”

I can only pray we live for another 50 years to enjoy each other like this. 

Sleepless in Seattle - living a chick flick

What an absolutely amazing trip! Seattle is everything I thought it would be and more. The Major and I really needed this trip to unwind, reconnect with friends and enjoy time together just exploring. It's best to just see some of the more than 600 pics we took instead of telling you about everything we did. And we did ALL the things! Click on them to enlarge. (All photos taken by me unless expressly credited. Please do not steal and repost as your own!) :)

Mt. Rainer greeting us from the plane.

The flower market at Pike's Place.

HUGE variety of veggies/fruits

Chinese musician

We rode the Duck! (It's a bus that turns into a boat.)

My favorite store - Bella Umbrella had 100s of different
umbrellas for every occasion. 

The Major bought me this one. 

Amazing apple butter date pastry from
the Dahlia Bakery.

It's an ad agency! Rubber chickens &
indoor 9 hole golf course included.

The notorious nasty Gum Wall. EW

One of the largest ferris wheels in the world.

A traditional fall shot of the Space Needle.

Our hotel. I suggest the suite. 

An afternoon well spent with friends - photo HDRossfeld

See? Well spent. photo HDRossfeld

The slugs are enormous in the PNW!

Our Jack Skellington creation!

Seattle art rocks! Giant lamppost 

Silent All These Years No Longer

Amazing high praise for my blog today. I'm truly humbled that so many are reading it and giving me positive feedback. Sure, when I first started it, there were several who felt I revealed too much, criticized me for moving too fast with the Major, or just didn't understand why in the hell I would want to write about something so personal on the Internet.

Because it helps ME feel better about who I am, where I'm going in life as I accept challenges and changes and I hope someday my kids look back on it and know me for who I really am. For 37 years, I tried hiding behind what everyone else wanted me to be, this facade of happy-go-lucky goody two shoes. Sorry, but the human in me wanted out, wanted to be cherished, wanted MORE than I was given in life. I'm not handed what I want by any means now. I work just as hard for things, people and ideas, but I'm not afraid of voicing my opinion when warranted.

This is who I am and the Major loves me because of it. So do my friends and family. I'm liable to embarrass them at some point in time, but never out of meanness. Every single person in my life is or was there for a reason and I respect and love that. Believe it or not, I thank God for those who were even awful to me. Because it makes me appreciate my loved ones all the more.

So today's and tomorrow's blog will be about some of these wonders. Starting with the good stuff, of course!

From my FB:
Heather, 
As I was trying to avoid work I played catch up on the wonderful world of Facebook and then stopped by your blog to catch up! I want to thank you for your lovely use of words to describe life in a way that others can relate to and in a way that can allow me to get lost for 30 minutes, when I should be busy typing away at my computer & reading Deeds that bore me to death! I am glad that you are happy & I appreciate that you are able to turn blunders into reading enjoyment for others. Thank you for an escape. 
Misty 
P. S. You look MARVELOUS! (Girl, Did you know I was scared to death of you in junior high because you were so mean to me on the bus? Then I figured out you were just a big softie who needed understanding. ;))

From Bexi bunneh over at thepersistenceofthepen: I've recently just caught up as well...you give me a feeling of normalcy in a world that is far from normal...thoughts turn into things and whether positive or negative we both seem to find the positive in all things regardless of our first reaction to them. I too love that you give me an escape and the ability to relate to even the most ridiculous yet somehow relevant things :) love you bunneh xo (Love you too, sweet girl. See you soon!!)

My friend Char, who knows my situation EXACTLY and gives me sage advice with a keen sense of humor. We WILL be going back to Vegas some day!

Megs, Anne and Betty Red, my three favoritest redheads in the universe. Thank you for not stealing my soul and instead giving me reasons to laugh, cry and live.

To A: We don't really know each other but thank you for everything you did to bring the Major out of his shell and to be the man he is today. I'm eternally grateful you two are friends and hope you can ever remain so. I'm glad you have his back. You deserve much happiness.

Petulant Petunia

I've done some childish things as an adult. I've been mean and petty, one of those Mean Girls. Today, I just feel petulant. A little girl who has stifled the tears all day long though my inner Lindsey has been pouting for several days. (For those of you in military families use to this, stop reading now if you're going to tell me to grow up. YOU had to go thru this the first time too. So nyah nyah nyah!)

On Monday, the Major and I had decided we would be going to the Air Force Ball after all. I was so excited and had rushed to find the perfect dress! It fit me beautifully and I would feel like his princess in it. That dress is now hanging forlornly in the wardrobe, hoping for another chance to make a good impression. You see, a big ol' stinky AF bomb was dropped in his lap the next day, right after he bought the ball tickets. Tomorrow morning, he leaves for an island in the Pacific, close to the Philippines, for two weeks. AFTER the ball.

Sure, I'm disappointed about missing the ball but I'm hoping there'll be others. What I'm having trouble with now is the separation anxiety. The longest we've been apart is 10 days when he left for Vegas and I got to fly out at the end of the TDY to meet him there and have a little vacation. But he leaves tomorrow at last notice because someone did something a little stupid and hurt themselves so he's going in their stead. There's still a possibility he could be sent overseas to the Middle East for six months come November too, which we knew about in advance. This trip was just unlucky circumstance.

And speaking of luck, we had dinner tonight at a favorite sushi place and I nearly came unglued after seeing our fortunes. Those damn flour paste cookies had it in for us, I'm sure of it! He opened his to reveal, "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst."

Whaaaa the fuuuuu??

Seriously, like I need to add to my anxiety that something atrocious will happen to the man I love, the one I've been waking up with every morning after snuggling all night, who I finally found after what seems a lifetime of looking!!

The kicker was when I opened up mine. Guess what it said? Yeah, my mouth dropped open too.

EFF YOU UNIVERSE and your cruelty! Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst could be ANYTHING. If you're a bit facetious like I am, you added "...in bed" at the end of the fortune. So am I supposed to expect to wet the bed? Have painful sex? Stub my toe on the frame? Sheesh. Gimme a clue here, Mr. Universal Fate, who gave us both the worst possible fortune!

Life has been amazingly wonderful at the moment. (So sue me. It HAS.) We've now been living together for two months and it's been so easy, it's scary. Sure, we have disagreements but they barely pass with the blink of an eye. I keep expecting the other shoe to drop. Maybe this is the stiletto to fall on my instep, heel down. I know I'm supposed to be one of those strong women, stoically keeping the home lights burning while her man is off doing his military duty. It's only two weeks.

But right now, I want to wrap around his leg and cry, "Please don't go!"

Shaken, not stirred

I like a good cocktail, though I'm more of the flavored drink kind of gal. I even prefer a dark or amber beer to the light stuff because I want it to have oomph. If I wanted a flavorless beverage, I'd choose water. And I like my life to be the same. Full of flavor, vitality, tang, spice.

Today though, I'm going with water. I'm keeping these emotions in check and to myself today. I need a calm thirst quencher to keep from getting drunk on feelings. There's too much to do today to become overwhelmed with emotional turmoil.

But here's my recipe for the weirdest L.I.T.:

3 parts Elation
2 parts Bitter
1 part Joyful Expectation
1/4 tsp. Confusion
1/2 tsp. Awkward
Several slices of Giddy
A squeeze of Exhausted Patience
Pinch of Regret
Dash of Fear
Sprinkle of Hope

Shake well, serve over ice. Don't forget the umbrella.

CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!

While cleaning the smog of rumors in my professional airspace, I'm cleaning up our house to be more presentable while I move in. It's a big job, what with this house being huge. We'll definitely have to have a garage sale! The scorching temps in the 100s don't bother me half as much since we have a pool to cool off in too. Now if the Major can just hurry on HOME.

Life is good, my friends. VERY good.

Gold, Silver, Platinum - Find Your Value

Make new friends

But keep the old.

One is silver

and the other gold.

The Scouts had it almost right. Old friends are usually silver, cherished but not tarnished. Reminders of other times when our youthful friendships were changeable. Gold friends, though newer, are sometimes more valuable because they are made when we are wiser, more choosy in our friendships. And then, there are the friendships the old song doesn't talk about. 

Platinum friendships are forged early, stronger to last thru tough times. These friends will never leave you, no matter how much you piss them off, which you undoubtedly will, if you are able to be truly honest with them and yourself. They are also the least understood, infinitely rarer. My Major has one of these with his ex and it's been an honor to watch the grace with which they've treated each other thru a divorce and beyond.

How could a couple travel the world together, figure out being married wasn't for them as a couple and yet remain so close? The reasons for the split are only between them or what they choose to share with others. However, it was cause for much needless speculation by friends and family. They all had their own opinions and still gossip about why they stay friends. I barely understand it myself, some days. 


But I'm proud of them. Earlier in February, he kept a promise made more than a year prior that he would go with her family on a trip. Despite some awkwardness, they had a wonderful time and I approved. This week, as I prepare to move in with him, he'll be driving her across country back to Canada. She's spent quite a bit of time with him and his son this week since there's no telling when she'll get to see them again. She's the Major's best friend and I approve.


I have a similar friendship with my ex. He's a great father to our kids though we weren't right for each other. But we still laugh together, still text each other, share stories. Some days are easier than others, and we piss each other off because our communication styles are different. But we mean well. 


So today I'll say again how proud I am of the Major and A. She deserves every happiness and I know she'll find it. And I hope she comes back to visit. 

A circle is round

and has no end.

That's how long

I want to be your friend.