Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Heave, HO!

My life has been in upheaval over the last two years. Too much has gone on and more on the way soon and I'm finding myself reflecting, making amends for hurts I've caused, wondering on the good I hope I've done, emotions swirling.

Apologizing for killing a relationship that probably shouldn't have started but for which I'm so richly blessed thru the creation of my boys because of it. I'm extremely thankful to the man who loved me and wanted it to work, despite our differences. We're finding I don't have to be so involved in his life, being his mother and not letting him make his own decisions, to make him happy. Together, we were good: good friends and good parents. Apart, we're even better, happier even, and we strive to make the new changes work, not only for ourselves but our boys. He's found someone with whom he's completely compatible and I've found the person who's perfect for me.

Learning I can stand strongly on my own: physically during extreme sports; mentally during the divorce and loss of three jobs in a year; monetarily (for the most part) by starting my own business. Finding that setting up payment options for bills I owe doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me human because at least I'm trying to pay them back and not being lazy. Feeling a sense of accomplishment when a bill is paid off and I'll never see it again.

Amending wrongs caused either through actions and words or the lack thereof. I apologized yesterday to a lovely woman who didn't deserve to be bad-mouthed by a horrible person and yet, I didn't stand up for her at the time. I spilled my guts to her and said how sorry I was for being such a coward. And told her some of the awful things that were said, so she'd know. I can only hope some other friends of mine can be as kind.

Being even more grateful for the love of a man who completely understands me. With whom I'm about to start a new life. Feeling bad for some "friends" who've decided to listen to rumors and not confront me personally because of this new love. Who've judged our relationship without getting the full story and who now prefer the company of those who perpetuate the lies. I'm sad for the loss of these friendships but grateful I didn't get sucked in more to their juvenile antics.

Feeling scared for the journey I'm embarking on, mainly because it doesn't just involve me but also my kids, who are looking forward to the changes too. Feeling overwhelming joy at knowing what's ahead and knowing we can make it work because of all the trials we've experienced and the love we have for each other.

Just feeling and being blessed that I'm human, able to absorb it all and sort it out.

This will be one helluva journey. Take it with me?

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