Give til it hurts

Thought of the day:

So, near the highway by our house, there are a couple of men who stand on the corner with homemade signs. These say "God Bless. Anything helps." to "50 Cents? Hungry and homeless." I wonder as I see them panhandling if they really are poor or playing a part. There have been stories in this city of several people making upwards of $60K plus just begging for change.

But here're my questions:
What would you do for a few dollars to keep yourself and kids fed? 
Would you dance on the corner if someone asked you to, just for 50 measly cents? 

Because think of it like this (IMHO. Don't get mad): Your dignity is already gone if you are reduced to standing on the street in the cold and the sun, the wind and the rain, holding up a homemade sign from the cardboard in the dumpster. It's humbling and humiliating to show the public you can't support yourself for the moment. That you are dirty, hungry and depressed about your situation.

If I were in their situation, I would beg. I would dance for dollars. I would sing, albeit off key, whatever was requested, even on the corner. I would entertain, offer hugs, learn card tricks. I would do whatever was needed to get my kids fed & clothed. But I would also go thru agencies who help the poor. This is why I continue to give to those charities. Why it makes me so angry when agencies and organizations who rely on donations & federal/state funding have to close their doors because some ass in government decided his thoroughbred paddock was so much more important than whether some kids get take home food on a weekend from school so they don't starve. </rant>

So what would YOU do? Keep your dignity? Or resort to desperate measures?

Shhhh, be vewy, vewy quiet

It's been one of those weeks. Thus, the radio silence. I posted a bunch of pics of our camping trip from last weekend but thought better of it after since there were faces of friends in them. Best to keep this blog more centered and sort of anonymous. Though many of my fans come from Facebook and know who I speak of in this blog, it's better not to reveal much as I get pretty damn personal here. Here's a repost some of the pics: (It rained most of the weekend but we had a blast nonetheless!)

 

 
 


Tuesday would have been my 13th anniversary, had I remained married. I spent most of the day in a dark funk, letting all the demons and Lindsey run rampant on me. My insecurities about my abilities, my body and my worth as the half in a relationship really ate at me, leaving big holes in my heart. The only thing I regret about leaving is that I caused "A" a great deal of unintentional hurt. (Told ya it was personal.) Luckily, we've been talking more and trying to stay on an even keel as co-parents. I still love him in a lot of ways as he's a good man and deserves much happiness. There. How's that for getting the sappy out of the way?

Topping that off with the Major having an insane schedule this week with training missions and barely seeing him unless he's asleep. He left again at 0200. It'll be nice for us to go on vacay soon to see some dear friends up north. We finally had a date night yesterday and I HIGHLY recommend you see Looper with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis. Blew my mind to pieces!

Sorry for the pity party and the bare bones post. It'll have to do, lovely readers. Thanks to new follows in the Netherlands and Taiwan. :)

Humility can be a bitch with a big stick

I haven't felt terribly generous of late.

My time, at least according to me, is too precious to be given to just anyone. Especially when it comes to my loved ones. My boyfriend's (The Major) son is in town visiting and I understand all too well his need to have alone time with him, since he never gets to see him. Unfortunately, his ex-wife also lives here and wanted to see him before she moves back to her home country.

Now, don't get me wrong. She's a lovely person and was his stepmother for 11 years, most of his childhood. There's no telling when she might see him again once she moves. I was quite upset, however, to realize she wanted that precious timeslot allotted to ME in which to meet him with The Major. I already had rearranged my schedule for this dinner, prepared myself mentally to welcome someone else into my life and hoping to be accepted into his. I'm the one who has to make concessions, because she is still a very important person in their lives.

Cue Lindsey.

"Lindsey" is someone we've named as my green-eyed inner demon. She's the worst part of me I keep caged and for good reason. This monster can be the most vicious, conniving and petty sliver of non-humanity known. She bites with words, snapping and snarling, when I don't get my way. She can't strike out physically, just emotionally and mentally against others, leaving far deeper scars. And she serves only me. My selfish little beastie.

Lindsey ranted and raved in private; whimpered and pouted. Narrowed her eyes against the world and threw far too many verbal bombs than is necessary.

Then an email came in from a client who just returned from a trip with her husband. I leave out her name as kindnesses should be felt, not named. But thank you, MB, for holding up that harsh glaring mirror.

Her story: When I was in Seattle last week, I was taking pictures in a very quaint area called Pioneer Square Park.  There was a homeless man about my age at Pioneer Square that was sitting on a park bench.  He saw what I was doing with the iPad and asked "Is that a camera?"  I said that it was and took a picture of him and showed it to him.  He asked if I could send it to him for his daughter's birthday this week.  He didn't have email, so he gave me a card that showed his name and that he was staying at Lazarus Day Center (which is why I gather he's homeless or in rehab or something).  I wasn't able to print it and mail it because of our Internet problems (since the printer was wireless) and I was beside myself, so I called a FedEx Kinko's up there and I explained the situation and asked if I could upload the photo, have them print two copies on glossy photo paper and have them deliver them to him.  The very patient young gal I talked to through my tear said yes, I could email it to her.  I asked if she wanted to take my credit card info over the phone.  She said "This one's on me and I'll walk it over there to him at the Lazarus Day Center on my lunch hour.  Hope you had a great time in Seattle."  There are truly good people in this world."


So why tell this story? Because that one paragraph was Humility herself beating back the jealous little demon. Showing me that kind people take time out of their lives to do things for other people they don't know or should even care about.

Humility carried a freaking big stick and Lindsey is, for now, subdued, black and blue. I may not get to spend those few precious hours with The Major and his son yet. But I need to remember I'll be part of their lives forever.

I've already won the largest prize at the fair. Let someone else have the tin whistle.

Update: Surprise dinner with The Major and son tonight. Sometimes, patience really is a virtue.

Heave, HO!

My life has been in upheaval over the last two years. Too much has gone on and more on the way soon and I'm finding myself reflecting, making amends for hurts I've caused, wondering on the good I hope I've done, emotions swirling.

Apologizing for killing a relationship that probably shouldn't have started but for which I'm so richly blessed thru the creation of my boys because of it. I'm extremely thankful to the man who loved me and wanted it to work, despite our differences. We're finding I don't have to be so involved in his life, being his mother and not letting him make his own decisions, to make him happy. Together, we were good: good friends and good parents. Apart, we're even better, happier even, and we strive to make the new changes work, not only for ourselves but our boys. He's found someone with whom he's completely compatible and I've found the person who's perfect for me.

Learning I can stand strongly on my own: physically during extreme sports; mentally during the divorce and loss of three jobs in a year; monetarily (for the most part) by starting my own business. Finding that setting up payment options for bills I owe doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me human because at least I'm trying to pay them back and not being lazy. Feeling a sense of accomplishment when a bill is paid off and I'll never see it again.

Amending wrongs caused either through actions and words or the lack thereof. I apologized yesterday to a lovely woman who didn't deserve to be bad-mouthed by a horrible person and yet, I didn't stand up for her at the time. I spilled my guts to her and said how sorry I was for being such a coward. And told her some of the awful things that were said, so she'd know. I can only hope some other friends of mine can be as kind.

Being even more grateful for the love of a man who completely understands me. With whom I'm about to start a new life. Feeling bad for some "friends" who've decided to listen to rumors and not confront me personally because of this new love. Who've judged our relationship without getting the full story and who now prefer the company of those who perpetuate the lies. I'm sad for the loss of these friendships but grateful I didn't get sucked in more to their juvenile antics.

Feeling scared for the journey I'm embarking on, mainly because it doesn't just involve me but also my kids, who are looking forward to the changes too. Feeling overwhelming joy at knowing what's ahead and knowing we can make it work because of all the trials we've experienced and the love we have for each other.

Just feeling and being blessed that I'm human, able to absorb it all and sort it out.

This will be one helluva journey. Take it with me?