Shhhh, be vewy, vewy quiet

It's been one of those weeks. Thus, the radio silence. I posted a bunch of pics of our camping trip from last weekend but thought better of it after since there were faces of friends in them. Best to keep this blog more centered and sort of anonymous. Though many of my fans come from Facebook and know who I speak of in this blog, it's better not to reveal much as I get pretty damn personal here. Here's a repost some of the pics: (It rained most of the weekend but we had a blast nonetheless!)

 

 
 


Tuesday would have been my 13th anniversary, had I remained married. I spent most of the day in a dark funk, letting all the demons and Lindsey run rampant on me. My insecurities about my abilities, my body and my worth as the half in a relationship really ate at me, leaving big holes in my heart. The only thing I regret about leaving is that I caused "A" a great deal of unintentional hurt. (Told ya it was personal.) Luckily, we've been talking more and trying to stay on an even keel as co-parents. I still love him in a lot of ways as he's a good man and deserves much happiness. There. How's that for getting the sappy out of the way?

Topping that off with the Major having an insane schedule this week with training missions and barely seeing him unless he's asleep. He left again at 0200. It'll be nice for us to go on vacay soon to see some dear friends up north. We finally had a date night yesterday and I HIGHLY recommend you see Looper with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Bruce Willis. Blew my mind to pieces!

Sorry for the pity party and the bare bones post. It'll have to do, lovely readers. Thanks to new follows in the Netherlands and Taiwan. :)

Shaken, not stirred

I like a good cocktail, though I'm more of the flavored drink kind of gal. I even prefer a dark or amber beer to the light stuff because I want it to have oomph. If I wanted a flavorless beverage, I'd choose water. And I like my life to be the same. Full of flavor, vitality, tang, spice.

Today though, I'm going with water. I'm keeping these emotions in check and to myself today. I need a calm thirst quencher to keep from getting drunk on feelings. There's too much to do today to become overwhelmed with emotional turmoil.

But here's my recipe for the weirdest L.I.T.:

3 parts Elation
2 parts Bitter
1 part Joyful Expectation
1/4 tsp. Confusion
1/2 tsp. Awkward
Several slices of Giddy
A squeeze of Exhausted Patience
Pinch of Regret
Dash of Fear
Sprinkle of Hope

Shake well, serve over ice. Don't forget the umbrella.

CLEAN ALL THE THINGS!

While cleaning the smog of rumors in my professional airspace, I'm cleaning up our house to be more presentable while I move in. It's a big job, what with this house being huge. We'll definitely have to have a garage sale! The scorching temps in the 100s don't bother me half as much since we have a pool to cool off in too. Now if the Major can just hurry on HOME.

Life is good, my friends. VERY good.

Clearing the Air

Just going to leave this right here for your perusal:

It always amazes me what people will gossip about. Some terribly funny gossip about me came back this morning and I had a hearty laugh about it. Because it's all false. Not even a lick of truth to it. I'm not going to repeat it here or anywhere else because frankly, it would be repeated with a new twist, I'm sure. On one hand, it sends traffic to my Facebook and to this blog. On the other, it makes those spreading the rumors look silly and completely unprofessional.

To dispel the rumors though, this is what I do: I am a social media consultant and strategist. I help manage social media sites, websites and blogs for different companies as a freelance consultant. I write press releases, promote various events and products and write blogs. I'm not doing anything questionable nor shameful. I am in control of myself and a professional at all times. My discipline involves the hard work I do for others; my fetish, the written word.

So people, knock it off. My respect for you has dropped several notches. If you want to continue to be rumor-mongers, go right ahead. It neither hurts my credibility nor the companies I work for. If anything, it makes them and me more popular.

Silly, silly people.

Call me Paddington

I'm surrounded by boxes.

Most full, some only half so, waiting the final fill and to be thrown into a moving truck. I figured out it was cheaper to rent a van/truck (whatever the hell they call it) instead of using our cars and my mom's truck plus the gas money for multiple trips. I'd rather move it all at once, start unpacking and begin the process of living.

It's bad enough I'll have to clean up (No, he's not a slob; just never really used his house to its full potential over the last year, so it's dusty as sin) before I officially move in. So only the essentials will be in the house while everything else sits in the garage. But I've been in such a state of flux in the last year, I'm lucky I don't set a lit match to everything or have an estate sale and just start over.

I hate moving, only because of the stress of where to put all the boxes while I'm trying to pack and living in the space at the same time. The clutter is killing me. I've turned to meditation and deep breathing to keep from killing others around me. Thank god for cleaning out excesses. I have some pageant dresses, a TV and various and sundry to sell if anyone wants them. PLEASE?

No one has asked to help and I haven't sought any help.

Frankly, I'm leery of something being broken again. Seems every move I've had, something gets broken needlessly: some old candle holders. The crystal chalices from my first wedding. My china hutch. I've packed and padded the breakables as much as possible though the antique furniture has me the most worried. There's a tight fit to the narrow staircase in my apartment.

*I* may need the padding (a padded cell) when this is all over.

Heave, HO!

My life has been in upheaval over the last two years. Too much has gone on and more on the way soon and I'm finding myself reflecting, making amends for hurts I've caused, wondering on the good I hope I've done, emotions swirling.

Apologizing for killing a relationship that probably shouldn't have started but for which I'm so richly blessed thru the creation of my boys because of it. I'm extremely thankful to the man who loved me and wanted it to work, despite our differences. We're finding I don't have to be so involved in his life, being his mother and not letting him make his own decisions, to make him happy. Together, we were good: good friends and good parents. Apart, we're even better, happier even, and we strive to make the new changes work, not only for ourselves but our boys. He's found someone with whom he's completely compatible and I've found the person who's perfect for me.

Learning I can stand strongly on my own: physically during extreme sports; mentally during the divorce and loss of three jobs in a year; monetarily (for the most part) by starting my own business. Finding that setting up payment options for bills I owe doesn't make me a bad person. It just makes me human because at least I'm trying to pay them back and not being lazy. Feeling a sense of accomplishment when a bill is paid off and I'll never see it again.

Amending wrongs caused either through actions and words or the lack thereof. I apologized yesterday to a lovely woman who didn't deserve to be bad-mouthed by a horrible person and yet, I didn't stand up for her at the time. I spilled my guts to her and said how sorry I was for being such a coward. And told her some of the awful things that were said, so she'd know. I can only hope some other friends of mine can be as kind.

Being even more grateful for the love of a man who completely understands me. With whom I'm about to start a new life. Feeling bad for some "friends" who've decided to listen to rumors and not confront me personally because of this new love. Who've judged our relationship without getting the full story and who now prefer the company of those who perpetuate the lies. I'm sad for the loss of these friendships but grateful I didn't get sucked in more to their juvenile antics.

Feeling scared for the journey I'm embarking on, mainly because it doesn't just involve me but also my kids, who are looking forward to the changes too. Feeling overwhelming joy at knowing what's ahead and knowing we can make it work because of all the trials we've experienced and the love we have for each other.

Just feeling and being blessed that I'm human, able to absorb it all and sort it out.

This will be one helluva journey. Take it with me?