I'd wanted to post on Friday but I was too busy living real life to worry about the online. Isn't that the way it SHOULD be? What would we do if you got off the computer, the cell phone, the iPad and just lived? I, for one, worked more, played more, exercised more and ate better. I went out with real friends who made me laugh, who I curled up with on the couch and just told stories about life and love. I took a run with our dog, the kids riding their bikes ahead of me, and taught to oldest to make three different stir fry dishes. Life, my friends, is beautiful. Four more days until it achieves even more greatness.
To continue what I started last Thursday, I'm truly thankful for certain people in my life, good or bad.
My mom is a wonderful, beautiful and caring person who had a rough go of life at the beginning and who I cherish. She's one of those people who you'd say upon meeting her, "She has a heart as big as Texas!" I learn every day from her and watching her care for my dad as his last days slipped away, I understand how incredible it is to be a strong, independent woman in love with a man truly worth his weight in gold.
To R, S and T: I'm thankful I learned the lesson of letting go: letting go of the friendships/good feelings I thought we had and seeing you for who you really were. Letting go of the bad feelings I had for you after and growing from the unintended lessons. My brain hurts thinking of the wrong you caused others and yet, I'm glad to be free of that personal responsibility.
Thankful to other detractors who said I wasn't athletic enough, smart enough or just enough. I've now run two Warrior Dashes, am seriously looking into going back to school for two more degrees and someone I know thinks I'm more than enough and tells me so every day.
My sisters: What can I say about these other two parts of our Oreo? Though we're so far apart in age, I'm so lucky to now know you as friends and fellow moms and incredible women. Your kids are the stuff of dreams and I love seeing the two of you so happy. xox
My son was recently told he should probably not be so opinionated or speak his mind around certain people. I think this is a crock of bull malarky!!! He has every right to speak his mind when he sees a wrong doing and he is allowed to tell others how much he loves me as his mother and my cooking or whatever!
SO J, you SPEAK your mind, little man. Within reason and always with kindness, but don't let ANYONE ever try to push you back or keep you from being the awesome kid you are!!
This blog got sappy and a bit snappy, but that's life. And I'm no longer silent.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Silent All These Years No Longer
Amazing high praise for my blog today. I'm truly humbled that so many are reading it and giving me positive feedback. Sure, when I first started it, there were several who felt I revealed too much, criticized me for moving too fast with the Major, or just didn't understand why in the hell I would want to write about something so personal on the Internet.
Because it helps ME feel better about who I am, where I'm going in life as I accept challenges and changes and I hope someday my kids look back on it and know me for who I really am. For 37 years, I tried hiding behind what everyone else wanted me to be, this facade of happy-go-lucky goody two shoes. Sorry, but the human in me wanted out, wanted to be cherished, wanted MORE than I was given in life. I'm not handed what I want by any means now. I work just as hard for things, people and ideas, but I'm not afraid of voicing my opinion when warranted.
This is who I am and the Major loves me because of it. So do my friends and family. I'm liable to embarrass them at some point in time, but never out of meanness. Every single person in my life is or was there for a reason and I respect and love that. Believe it or not, I thank God for those who were even awful to me. Because it makes me appreciate my loved ones all the more.
So today's and tomorrow's blog will be about some of these wonders. Starting with the good stuff, of course!
From my FB:
Heather,
As I was trying to avoid work I played catch up on the wonderful world of Facebook and then stopped by your blog to catch up! I want to thank you for your lovely use of words to describe life in a way that others can relate to and in a way that can allow me to get lost for 30 minutes, when I should be busy typing away at my computer & reading Deeds that bore me to death! I am glad that you are happy & I appreciate that you are able to turn blunders into reading enjoyment for others. Thank you for an escape.
Misty
P. S. You look MARVELOUS! (Girl, Did you know I was scared to death of you in junior high because you were so mean to me on the bus? Then I figured out you were just a big softie who needed understanding. ;))
From Bexi bunneh over at thepersistenceofthepen: I've recently just caught up as well...you give me a feeling of normalcy in a world that is far from normal...thoughts turn into things and whether positive or negative we both seem to find the positive in all things regardless of our first reaction to them. I too love that you give me an escape and the ability to relate to even the most ridiculous yet somehow relevant things :) love you bunneh xo (Love you too, sweet girl. See you soon!!)
My friend Char, who knows my situation EXACTLY and gives me sage advice with a keen sense of humor. We WILL be going back to Vegas some day!
Megs, Anne and Betty Red, my three favoritest redheads in the universe. Thank you for not stealing my soul and instead giving me reasons to laugh, cry and live.
To A: We don't really know each other but thank you for everything you did to bring the Major out of his shell and to be the man he is today. I'm eternally grateful you two are friends and hope you can ever remain so. I'm glad you have his back. You deserve much happiness.
Because it helps ME feel better about who I am, where I'm going in life as I accept challenges and changes and I hope someday my kids look back on it and know me for who I really am. For 37 years, I tried hiding behind what everyone else wanted me to be, this facade of happy-go-lucky goody two shoes. Sorry, but the human in me wanted out, wanted to be cherished, wanted MORE than I was given in life. I'm not handed what I want by any means now. I work just as hard for things, people and ideas, but I'm not afraid of voicing my opinion when warranted.
This is who I am and the Major loves me because of it. So do my friends and family. I'm liable to embarrass them at some point in time, but never out of meanness. Every single person in my life is or was there for a reason and I respect and love that. Believe it or not, I thank God for those who were even awful to me. Because it makes me appreciate my loved ones all the more.
So today's and tomorrow's blog will be about some of these wonders. Starting with the good stuff, of course!
From my FB:
Heather,
As I was trying to avoid work I played catch up on the wonderful world of Facebook and then stopped by your blog to catch up! I want to thank you for your lovely use of words to describe life in a way that others can relate to and in a way that can allow me to get lost for 30 minutes, when I should be busy typing away at my computer & reading Deeds that bore me to death! I am glad that you are happy & I appreciate that you are able to turn blunders into reading enjoyment for others. Thank you for an escape.
Misty
P. S. You look MARVELOUS! (Girl, Did you know I was scared to death of you in junior high because you were so mean to me on the bus? Then I figured out you were just a big softie who needed understanding. ;))
From Bexi bunneh over at thepersistenceofthepen: I've recently just caught up as well...you give me a feeling of normalcy in a world that is far from normal...thoughts turn into things and whether positive or negative we both seem to find the positive in all things regardless of our first reaction to them. I too love that you give me an escape and the ability to relate to even the most ridiculous yet somehow relevant things :) love you bunneh xo (Love you too, sweet girl. See you soon!!)
My friend Char, who knows my situation EXACTLY and gives me sage advice with a keen sense of humor. We WILL be going back to Vegas some day!
Megs, Anne and Betty Red, my three favoritest redheads in the universe. Thank you for not stealing my soul and instead giving me reasons to laugh, cry and live.
To A: We don't really know each other but thank you for everything you did to bring the Major out of his shell and to be the man he is today. I'm eternally grateful you two are friends and hope you can ever remain so. I'm glad you have his back. You deserve much happiness.
Wednesday, September 12, 2012
That Noisy, Loud Voice
One of my goals these last two weeks was to start a regular routine of working out. Sure, it takes more time than that to establish something more concrete, but it's a start. I was so gung ho about working out, running nearly every day and getting into fantastic shape at the beginning of the year. No, it wasn't one of those NYE resolutions gone the way of the gutter. I had a great routine going. But then life and sickness crashed down on me.
I got a severe lung infection and bronchitis the week of the Warrior Dash, early in the summer. And I was also in the process of packing up our house to move in here. Two stressful times, if ever there were worse. After a round of antibiotics and steroids, I went ahead with the Dash, passing out afterward and having the Major fetch me the first aid folks who promptly began reprimanding me for running the extreme 5K in the hot sun on the meds I was taking. (Hey, I'm hardcore about this!) So, I took some time off. To recover and to pack. By then, as temperatures are wont to do in this god-forsaken state in summer, Hades was blazing outside. Simply walking out the door in 110 F with 60% humidity was stifling. Whoever put the pan of water into the stove known as Oklahoma and turned it on high was a jerk!
It's beginning to cool off and all four of us have bikes we can ride around the neighborhood. So that's a start. I've been using freeweights, doing yoga, pilates and weight resistance moves and starting to see some results. My weight and body issues have always been a sore point with me and I haven't been seeing as many results as I'd like. I'd had an affair with weight-loss supplements in the past and as someone with heart problems as a kid, this was stupid, obviously. However, the allure of the vitamin-slash-weight loss aisle was calling to me at the store yesterday.
"Quick results!"
"Lose half a human in three weeks!"
"Eating? That's for pigs! Never be hungry again!" they all claimed.
And then there's fun stuff they only whisper:
"Have heart palpitations for life!"
"Dizziness and nausea mean the product is working!"
"Just think, you'll be thin and pretty when you die!"
The loudest voice though was one that reverberated in my head from last year, when the Major threatened to literally spank me so hard I couldn't sit down if I ever touched any of those products again. I'd not seen him so angry at me about my health. The threat of me being a grown woman spanked like a child, as well as several friends who would probably help him hold me down, made me drop the bottle of "ephedra-free" pill o'the week so fast I almost broke it. Instead, I hustled over to the next aisle and got some dried fruits.
I've been pretty good this week, even getting in some swimming and eating fairly well. Dropped a few pounds and watched parts of my body head back north where they belong. (No, I'm not posting pics. Don't ask.)
After telling the rest of the voices in my head to shut up, I sure am enjoying this small bowl of ice cream I so richly deserve!
I got a severe lung infection and bronchitis the week of the Warrior Dash, early in the summer. And I was also in the process of packing up our house to move in here. Two stressful times, if ever there were worse. After a round of antibiotics and steroids, I went ahead with the Dash, passing out afterward and having the Major fetch me the first aid folks who promptly began reprimanding me for running the extreme 5K in the hot sun on the meds I was taking. (Hey, I'm hardcore about this!) So, I took some time off. To recover and to pack. By then, as temperatures are wont to do in this god-forsaken state in summer, Hades was blazing outside. Simply walking out the door in 110 F with 60% humidity was stifling. Whoever put the pan of water into the stove known as Oklahoma and turned it on high was a jerk!
It's beginning to cool off and all four of us have bikes we can ride around the neighborhood. So that's a start. I've been using freeweights, doing yoga, pilates and weight resistance moves and starting to see some results. My weight and body issues have always been a sore point with me and I haven't been seeing as many results as I'd like. I'd had an affair with weight-loss supplements in the past and as someone with heart problems as a kid, this was stupid, obviously. However, the allure of the vitamin-slash-weight loss aisle was calling to me at the store yesterday.
"Quick results!"
"Lose half a human in three weeks!"
"Eating? That's for pigs! Never be hungry again!" they all claimed.
And then there's fun stuff they only whisper:
"Have heart palpitations for life!"
"Dizziness and nausea mean the product is working!"
"Just think, you'll be thin and pretty when you die!"
The loudest voice though was one that reverberated in my head from last year, when the Major threatened to literally spank me so hard I couldn't sit down if I ever touched any of those products again. I'd not seen him so angry at me about my health. The threat of me being a grown woman spanked like a child, as well as several friends who would probably help him hold me down, made me drop the bottle of "ephedra-free" pill o'the week so fast I almost broke it. Instead, I hustled over to the next aisle and got some dried fruits.
I've been pretty good this week, even getting in some swimming and eating fairly well. Dropped a few pounds and watched parts of my body head back north where they belong. (No, I'm not posting pics. Don't ask.)
After telling the rest of the voices in my head to shut up, I sure am enjoying this small bowl of ice cream I so richly deserve!
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
Kenny Rogers sang about me.
Sometimes, technology is the only thing that can connect you with others. International cell and text rates are out of this world and so communication will be at a minimum with the Major. But it reminds me of simpler times, when lovers wrote letters by hand or sent post cards when they were too far apart to talk.
In the meantime, my work load has doubled, luckily, and I'm staying busy, drinking way too much coffee for my own good and learning new things. Such as: I have a hard time saying no to friends and clients. I want to help out and my time is becoming precious. The majority of it I want to spend with my kids and when they aren't there, I focus on other things. My business is really taking off and I'm finally paying off bills that piled up over the last year of being off work. I've found a good niche but there might be something else out there.
A recent conversation:
"You've helped a bunch of our friends with these issues, why don't you think about going back to school? Even think about getting a PhD?"
"You're kidding, right? A DOCTORATE? I couldn't even get back to school before because I couldn't possibly work while going thru such a tough schedule for a Master's! We lived paycheck to paycheck as it was. I like my independence and won't live off you." (cue tears of mortification. Ask my mom. I couldn't even ask my parents for college money when I lived in a shitty apartment and didn't have heat or electricity mid-winter.)
"You're selling yourself short. I've heard your conversations and think you'd be amazing at this. Besides, you have me and I fully support you. You can do the same client work you do now on the side. Do your homework with the kids. They'd really see how important schooling is if you are in it."
WHOA is that a lot to think about...
I think I would just need to get my confidence back up to decent levels before seeking this prospect. Granted, the impetus was one of my clients for whom I've been doing great work but this would take SO much chutzpah. ME, with a PhD?? Holy hell. And I could do a lot of the job thru various media and online, researching and communicating with others, though I love the one-on-one approach. Having worked in radio, I could take it to another level entirely. Until I make a decision, I'm keeping the rest of it close to the vest.
I take risks but I won't make a poor gamble. It's gotta be a sure thing.
In the meantime, my work load has doubled, luckily, and I'm staying busy, drinking way too much coffee for my own good and learning new things. Such as: I have a hard time saying no to friends and clients. I want to help out and my time is becoming precious. The majority of it I want to spend with my kids and when they aren't there, I focus on other things. My business is really taking off and I'm finally paying off bills that piled up over the last year of being off work. I've found a good niche but there might be something else out there.
A recent conversation:
"You've helped a bunch of our friends with these issues, why don't you think about going back to school? Even think about getting a PhD?"
"You're kidding, right? A DOCTORATE? I couldn't even get back to school before because I couldn't possibly work while going thru such a tough schedule for a Master's! We lived paycheck to paycheck as it was. I like my independence and won't live off you." (cue tears of mortification. Ask my mom. I couldn't even ask my parents for college money when I lived in a shitty apartment and didn't have heat or electricity mid-winter.)
"You're selling yourself short. I've heard your conversations and think you'd be amazing at this. Besides, you have me and I fully support you. You can do the same client work you do now on the side. Do your homework with the kids. They'd really see how important schooling is if you are in it."
WHOA is that a lot to think about...
I think I would just need to get my confidence back up to decent levels before seeking this prospect. Granted, the impetus was one of my clients for whom I've been doing great work but this would take SO much chutzpah. ME, with a PhD?? Holy hell. And I could do a lot of the job thru various media and online, researching and communicating with others, though I love the one-on-one approach. Having worked in radio, I could take it to another level entirely. Until I make a decision, I'm keeping the rest of it close to the vest.
I take risks but I won't make a poor gamble. It's gotta be a sure thing.
Monday, September 10, 2012
Ye Best Laid Plans
But Mousie, thou art no thy lane,
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley...
In proving foresight may be vain:
The best-laid schemes o' mice an' men
Gang aft agley...
To a Mouse by Robert Burns, 1785
True to my word, I've begun the task of keeping busy. Too busy to fret, to bemoan the early stages of loneliness. My kidlets came home Saturday afternoon and we filled it with a wondrous trip to the zoo then making our version of flatbread pizza with a movie. The next was filled with church, taking the oldest to Frontier City while I took his brother to a round robin of flag football, where he promptly kicked tail, scoring the first TD of the season.
I'm jealous of the Major as he landed in Hawaii for a few days for maintenance on the plane. His crew finally left this morning (midnight Waikiki time) for Guam. As of this writing, I just got word that he made it safe. THAT part of the waiting drives me crazy, the not knowing of whether the plane landed and he stepped off. Though he was essentially working during his time in paradise, he managed to send me a few pics. One was a sunset he wished he could have shared as we had talked of seeing Hawaii together for the first time. He just happened to beat me to it. Some day.
And as per the last post, I've almost completed one of my projects. I found a bolt of incredible fabric that has a pattern on one side that matches the upstairs bedroom and then reverses to match the office! I couldn't be happier with the result. As soon as they're done, I'll post pics. I have some throw pillows that go incredibly well with them too. I caught the youngest laying on the unfinished piece upstairs in the window so they're already a hit!
I think I'll tackle making Chicken Cordon Bleu tomorrow. Mmmmm prosciutto and gruyère... My Nanny (grandmother) made the yummiest.
For now, I'm staving off the weepies. I CAN be strong. It's just really, really nice when he's home.
Friday, September 7, 2012
Dali Dolly
Now he's gone. Left at 0600 this morning. I got up with him to help last minute prep and even made a few dozen cookies for his crew. As soon as the door closed, I had a proper boo hoo, went back to sleep for a few hours and now I don't feel like doing anything. Nothing. Nada. Zilch.
It's nearly noon, I'm still in my pjs and I haven't eaten or even had my coffee. For those who know my fiendish appetite for a good cuppa, this isn't good. I'll get over this, I know. And that's okay. I need a day to rcoup, think about things to do in the meantime. Thankfully, I'll have my kids for a few days and we're going to the zoo tomorrow. And flag football starts for the youngest so I'll be busy with them a few days of the week.
I've decided the next two weeks are going to be busy (after I get my tuckus in gear.) There's still so much to do with this house to make it truly comfortable and a home. We hung some pictures last weekend but it isn't enough.
So my Major is Gone, Suck it Up! To-Do List:
1. Exercise every day. Build a better habit of it.
2. Organize the office files better. Consolidate, shred and otherwise get this crap cleaned up.
3. Make lovely, comfy window seats for the upstairs guest bed and the office. (This one has long been on my list since there's already a bench in each large window.) Some pillows, new window coverings and a padded seat will make it simply awesome. I want them to be gathering places for folks!
4. Hang more pictures! Throughout the house, the boys room especially.
5. Get the new shades installed in their room. It'll help with the electric bills and look SO much nicer in there. Wish I could repaint and take down the awful border in there. It'll be awhile.
6. Learn to cook something new, a dish I've never made before.
7. Unpack and sort some more boxes out of the garage.
Sure. All these things are rather ambitious for two weeks time but it'll keep my mind busy and my hands more so. After all, time is on my side.
It's nearly noon, I'm still in my pjs and I haven't eaten or even had my coffee. For those who know my fiendish appetite for a good cuppa, this isn't good. I'll get over this, I know. And that's okay. I need a day to rcoup, think about things to do in the meantime. Thankfully, I'll have my kids for a few days and we're going to the zoo tomorrow. And flag football starts for the youngest so I'll be busy with them a few days of the week.
I've decided the next two weeks are going to be busy (after I get my tuckus in gear.) There's still so much to do with this house to make it truly comfortable and a home. We hung some pictures last weekend but it isn't enough.
So my Major is Gone, Suck it Up! To-Do List:
1. Exercise every day. Build a better habit of it.
2. Organize the office files better. Consolidate, shred and otherwise get this crap cleaned up.
3. Make lovely, comfy window seats for the upstairs guest bed and the office. (This one has long been on my list since there's already a bench in each large window.) Some pillows, new window coverings and a padded seat will make it simply awesome. I want them to be gathering places for folks!
4. Hang more pictures! Throughout the house, the boys room especially.
5. Get the new shades installed in their room. It'll help with the electric bills and look SO much nicer in there. Wish I could repaint and take down the awful border in there. It'll be awhile.
6. Learn to cook something new, a dish I've never made before.
7. Unpack and sort some more boxes out of the garage.
Thursday, September 6, 2012
Petulant Petunia
I've done some childish things as an adult. I've been mean and petty, one of those Mean Girls. Today, I just feel petulant. A little girl who has stifled the tears all day long though my inner Lindsey has been pouting for several days. (For those of you in military families use to this, stop reading now if you're going to tell me to grow up. YOU had to go thru this the first time too. So nyah nyah nyah!)
On Monday, the Major and I had decided we would be going to the Air Force Ball after all. I was so excited and had rushed to find the perfect dress! It fit me beautifully and I would feel like his princess in it. That dress is now hanging forlornly in the wardrobe, hoping for another chance to make a good impression. You see, a big ol' stinky AF bomb was dropped in his lap the next day, right after he bought the ball tickets. Tomorrow morning, he leaves for an island in the Pacific, close to the Philippines, for two weeks. AFTER the ball.
And speaking of luck, we had dinner tonight at a favorite sushi place and I nearly came unglued after seeing our fortunes. Those damn flour paste cookies had it in for us, I'm sure of it! He opened his to reveal, "Hope for the best but prepare for the worst."
Whaaaa the fuuuuu??
Seriously, like I need to add to my anxiety that something atrocious will happen to the man I love, the one I've been waking up with every morning after snuggling all night, who I finally found after what seems a lifetime of looking!!
The kicker was when I opened up mine. Guess what it said? Yeah, my mouth dropped open too.
EFF YOU UNIVERSE and your cruelty! Hoping for the best and preparing for the worst could be ANYTHING. If you're a bit facetious like I am, you added "...in bed" at the end of the fortune. So am I supposed to expect to wet the bed? Have painful sex? Stub my toe on the frame? Sheesh. Gimme a clue here, Mr. Universal Fate, who gave us both the worst possible fortune!
Life has been amazingly wonderful at the moment. (So sue me. It HAS.) We've now been living together for two months and it's been so easy, it's scary. Sure, we have disagreements but they barely pass with the blink of an eye. I keep expecting the other shoe to drop. Maybe this is the stiletto to fall on my instep, heel down. I know I'm supposed to be one of those strong women, stoically keeping the home lights burning while her man is off doing his military duty. It's only two weeks.
But right now, I want to wrap around his leg and cry, "Please don't go!"
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