Objects in mirror are not what they appear

Holy cow, what a summer. And what a glorious life I'm living. Yes, I'm going to brag just a little. It's healthy to be happy, dammit!

We've all made it to Okinawa after a July from hell where I nearly die from a diseased gallbladder and abscesses, where the Major flies back on emergency leave to literally save my life by helping me stabilize enough to get out of ICU, and then help me hobble around with a stomach stent in my chest to drain out the infection. (Bleargh). After we survive August with a horrendous flight from Seattle to Okinawa in a cramped and screaming-baby-filled airplane for 18 cruel hours. Though the boys liked Seattle and we spent some amazing time with friends Ken and Kelly and Heather! (Thanks for the hospitality, lovelies!) I showed the boys all my favorite places and they still talk about it.

We are here and loving it! The boys are able to talk to their family back in Oklahoma almost every day and I'm glad of it. (Thank you, Facetime and Vonage!) They are doing well here though there are adjustments. The oldest is in a more challenging school and though a middle schooler, is taking two high school level classes. He puts a lot of stress on himself, unfortunately, and is too much like his mama in being the perfectionist. Being with friends is helping him though. SOOO much better than last year when he struggled to fit in and couldn't make friends.

The youngest has taken to the place like he's never lived anywhere else. It's amazing to me. He's grown two inches and gained at least five pounds on his skinny frame. He's now reading books like the Harry Potter series and I can barely get him inside until it's dark outside. A group of boys his age keeps him busy.

The house is nearly unpacked after three weeks. I can't believe how well it's coming along! I'm so OCD about it and want it done two weeks ago but it's not realistic. I'll be lucky to get pictures up in three weeks and I'm almost okay with that.

I just want it to feel like home. For me, for the Major, for the boys. And we've almost succeeded.

For me, I'm keeping a positive attitude. There are those who criticize, who've called me selfish, mean and can't understand "why I would take the boys away from their family and friends." Sorry, but it's an opportunity for them to grow outside that small-town mentality. To see the world and the people in it. To have their eyes opened but still have roots. Because they deserve to see the beauty of the world and LIVE it, not just visit it.

I'm keeping it positive for myself as well. There are too many horror stories of spouses who never leave base in their egocentricity. Who mock and demean everything different about their host country, simply because it isn't like home. Isn't like America. Isn't like their rose-colored vision of small town USA. I've found amazing people here.

This is an actual sunset I saw on Sunday at Araha Beach, Okinawa. ©

Seen the most gorgeous sunsets I could imagine. Learned to drive on the opposite (NOT the wrong-) side of the street in a tiny car down streets I can't pronounce much less read the letters to which make up their names. I've felt a sense of accomplishment, of growth, of expansion into a greater self. And I was scared shitless the whole time. No, really. I got a stomach-ache later that day from venturing out into unknown traffic, buying produce in a store where no one spoke English using strange currency, and still managed to make it home.

Only once have I broken down, sobbing, missing my friends and family more than I could bare. Watching my nieces and nephew grow from so far away is hard. I can't just go to my mom or my best friends and have a hug because I need it. And I'm not good enough friends with folks here to do that. I've been so busy setting up house and running around with the family, I've lost more weight. I don't recognize myself as the chubby bunny anymore and it's weird. I have a bit of homesickness but it isn't something to dwell on. It's natural and I get melancholy sometimes. (Meg knows what I mean.) I have the most amazing friends and I just remember that I'm adding to that bunch. The spouses group here is so fun and I'm learning the lingo. The Air Force Ball, which I FINALLY get to go to!, is this Saturday. And I'm going to have a grand time with my love. I'm keeping this face because the mask is off.

I'm happy and nothing can break me down. 

Transplantation takes care

I haven't written for the last month as I wanted to concentrate on issues close to home and telling the world about my problems is too public. My social media interactions are already being monitored by well-meaning but misinformed people who would love to twist my every post. At the least, I hope I've been entertaining for them. At worst, boring, so they'll stop.

Life. It's finally going somewhere. That first somewhere is Italy.

The Major and I had thought about a trip to Rome to see his oldest son graduate from a university there before the planned wedding in June. As those plans were drastically changed , we've decided to make it a honeymoon instead! Very soon, we'll be on a plane crossing the Atlantic and I'm excited-scared-giddy-worried. The closest I've been to out of country is Montreal, Canada, and the island of Barbados. Not exactly foreign. In Montreal, I was alone at a conference, and though it's a great place, it's not quite as fun without someone to share the experience of travel. My ex and I went to Barbados for our honeymoon but he got the flu the night before we flew out and stayed in the room most of the time. I saw the beauty of the ocean for the first time in my life while he languished in the hotel. I spent the majority of the trip, once again, alone.

THIS time, the Major and I will be seeing Rome, Ferrara, Venice and Florence together. Super romantic! I'll save you the mush-talk, though I may post a few pics later. Not THOSE kinds of pics. Sick people.

The second somewhere is DisneyWorld!

We had promised the boys a return trip there that they could actually remember. The last time, we went with my ex, sisters and parents and bro-in-law just before my dad died of pancreatic cancer. It was a disaster at first with the airline misplacing my dad's luggage with his chemo meds in it, late and missed flights because of storms that morning and every single person in our group getting airsick and puking from turbulence. But it ended on a beautiful note. My Daddy-O, determined to have a great time, wanted to ride every single ride he could. And he DID, saying, "I already know what will kill me. I might as well have fun!" The sound of his laughter and cheering on that crazy roller coaster still rings in my ears.

The third somewhere, ultimately, is Okinawa.

As some of you might know, we've had a bit of custody issue on whether the boys can go with us. In the midst of all the moving and paperwork required for the military plus me having hernia surgery, we've been going to court. Their wishes were that they WANT to go, so the judge is at least honoring those wishes; allowing them with us the first semester of school and we'll revisit the case when we come back at Christmas. Here's where I'm supposed to stay quiet about all of it, though I'd love to clear the air of some misconceptions old friends seem to have but haven't bothered to ask me directly about. Just know the Major and I will be keeping all the promises we made from the beginning to have the boys keep in touch with their family and friends here.

So until the move itself next month, we're planning for some fun times first. Lots of love and laughter together as a little family, wishing the Major's boys could be with us too. It's time to move forward in life. To grow and change together and not stagnate. Roses may have thorns but they deserve lots of sunshine.

Happiness is Furious

What's to tell? I've been swamped physically and emotionally for the last month. So much going on I can't wrap my mind around some of it. All I can do is hope everything turns out for the best in the next couple of weeks and life will finally move forward. Ever had that feeling of limbo? Where one thing can't be done until this other thing is done first but then you have three other things that require that first thing? But I'll be damned if those three things don't require something of the second thing too. Yeah, swampy limbo.

At least the passports, both military and civilian travel, have been filed and I'm just waiting for them to arrive. The dog is up-to-date on shots and micro-chipped. All the medical histories have been collected and sent, ID cards, insurance and dependent care done.  Most of those were contingent on me getting my taxes done and THEN changing my name legally with both SSN and on my driver's license. Holy hell, that's a LOT of paperwork!! Thru the grace of God, I'm getting a little money back from last year since I basically lived below the poverty level. The majority of that will go to paying back some bills I accumulated during my last marriage. I hate owing.

Speaking of owing, I'm owed an apology from a few people but I have to try to forget that. Some people you just feel sorry for because their hatred is sadly misplaced. The mistruths they tell will come out in the end and it makes me sad. (Yes, I know I'm digressing from my usual happy, go-lucky but this last month has brought out the beast in me. The Major keeps me from baring my teeth too much, luckily.) A lot of my anxiety is self-imposed. I'm scared to death of living overseas. Of living in an unfamiliar environment and what happens if the Major is deployed while we're there? What happened to those friends I thought I'd have forever who suddenly don't have my back? Thank God we have base sponsors and there's a strong spouse's network. I keep reminding myself that I won't be alone, that I make friends easily and my will to be happy is stronger than my fear of the unknown. C'est la vie.

For now, I'm going to be #FuriouslyHappy. (<-- I wish I knew The Bloggess in person. We'd have lots of wine slushies, talk snark and pound the table in laughter.) Because the Universe can suck it when it tries to bring me down. I have love, wine and my family and friends. God evidently loves me because I have all of these in my life in abundance.

So neener, neener punkin' eater. No more whinin', ya big baby. This mama wants no more drama! But I do want glitter. LOTS of it. Plus jazz hands because the Universe better start doing a tap dance while I aim both barrels at its feet. I'm about to blow the lid off a can of whoop-ass.

To my son, with love

Twelve years ago at this time (1:45 pm CST) I was hooked up to monitors at a hospital 40 miles from home, listening to the steady thrum-thrum-thrum of a muffled heartbeat. Nurses periodically checked in on me, taking vitals, feeling for changes. (That one with the particularly large and knobby fingers was NOT welcome again after her first visit. I'm sorry, but NO woman should be subjected to that while in the throes of labor! Witch.) I had worked the day before, a Monday, feeling a bit worse for wear and achey. My husband at the time had had every one of his wisdom teeth removed that day and was loopy as a doormouse. I had gone to bed around 9, very tired and somehow knowing I wouldn't get much sleep for the next 40+ years. We weren't expecting this little bundle for five years but he decided the combination of antacids+ the Pill after too much tequila+ Mexican food on the Fourth of July was the perfect time to make an appearance.

At 3:30 am, the H got up to take his dose of painkillers. This was also the exact time I woke up, gripped my stomach and gasped. The constant Braxton-Hicks I had felt for several weeks was NOTHING compared to the tightening of my entire body and losing my breath in pain. Quickly remembering lamaze techniques, I went into laser-focused Feather mode. In crisis or extreme stress, my sense of clarity is crystal and I begin planning/implementation processes. I also tend to be a bit short with people. (No height jokes, thank you. Yes, I'm little. :-P) We hadn't quite planned for this little one to come two weeks early. I couldn't very well drive myself to the hospital in another city and neither could H since he was on painkillers. A quick call to a good friend had her at our house in a few minutes and on our way to be parents.

On the way to the hospital, I had the same sense of calm as when I recently married the Major. I breathed regularly thru each contraction and smiled, knowing I would soon hold a little bundle of awesome. Over the years, he's shown me how wrong I was. He's way more awesome than I can say. He reminds me so much of my dad, and not just because they have the same eyes and name. This incredibly talented and smart almost-man is as tall as I am with one of the kindest hearts I've ever come across. When the Major is TDY, the J-Meister takes his job of "man of the house" very seriously, watching out for his momma and little brother. His insight is scary sometimes. He knows if I'm not fully telling him the truth, if I'm trying to protect him from certain things. I swear he's like a sponge, absorbing all that life has to offer and learning everything in sight.

This morning, I kept a tradition alive my dad started with me and my sisters when we were little. I finally found a little mom and pop donut shop that made specialty donuts. Most of the shops around here have their donuts shipped in from a bakery. Sure, they may have been made late last night but they couldn't compare to the smell of baked goods wafting from that kitchen. The owner even made a special sprinkles and M&Ms one just for the birthday boy. The kid was stoked!

Sgt. Frog or Keroro Gunso
about an alien frog who tries
to take over the world...badly.

Now, his life is about to change and I'm so proud of how he's handling everything. Looking thru every website he can about Japan and Okinawa. Watching Japanese cartoons (which are HIGH-larious, dubbed in English, btw. They even thru in a "I'll have what Meg Ryan is having." joke!) and asking a million questions about how all of this affects him and his brother. He's an amazing boy and I'm so proud to be his mom.

Happy Birthday, my oldest! I can't thank God enough for putting you in my life!

Wedding of the century (Part 1)

(Seriously, there's so much awesome to this wedding, it needs a couple of posts to keep from being tl;dr)

Saturday, Feb. 23, 2013 started off beautifully. Smooshed between two snow/ice filled days, the day was a bit brisk but very sunny and warmed up with very little wind. I was surprisingly relaxed, waking up next to the Major as we talked about the things we needed to do before the wedding. My dress STILL did not arrive (in fact, it came in Monday night. It may soon be for sale. Watch for postings.), but the dress we had worked well, especially with the new purple heels my girls Anne and Jessica helped me pick out. I put the finishing touches on my flower/brooch bouquet with brooches from my grandmothers, great aunts, mom and friends. Isn't it pretty?

The Major vacuumed a bit and we picked up around the house since my family was coming over. Frankly, we are such an old married couple attuned to each other's needs. Though the last week was a difficult one full of tears, fears and disappointment, we tried to focus on the positive. This was our wedding day!! He left for several hours and I relaxed, gradually starting the process of getting
ready, which kicked into high gear when my girlfriends arrived. But it seemed something was up. Strange texts from my MOM and the photog to my MoH. Earlier in the day, the Major washing random china pieces bought for the wedding party in June. I racked it up to nerves because it was just a weird thing to do. After spreading glitter all over the known universe, I was finally ready to go, sharing a few happy tears with my girls and plenty of laughs, coffee and chocolate. They went on ahead while I traveled with my mom and her fiance. (She had the most fabulous deep purple hat in keeping with my desire for a fun wedding.) I had quite a bit of excitement in the car but I was still calm, reflecting on the man waiting ahead of me with my sons. Today wasn't about what I was wearing or who would be there but just on the fact I would be married to this man who loved me.

After parking and as we walked up to the Myriad Gardens where we were meet the few family and friends, I saw another friend filming us with his iPad. I hadn't invited him and became a bit suspicious. Hmmmmm. The wedding was supposed to be small. Anne's boyfriend Isaac then came out filming us, wearing purple as well and a super cool top hat! My mom led us around the side and knowing there wasn't an easy entrance there, I asked about it. And then I saw the people. Dozens of people peering over the side of the waterstage amphitheatre at whatever was going on below. Music was playing and there were purple balloons and ribbons in the trees.

We stopped at the top of the stairs and I see about 60 or so people dancing to my favorite song that gets me thru the hard times, Dog Days are Over!! Every person, including children, is wearing a hat! My kids have little top hats on too! In the middle of this craziness is the most wonderful man in the world who had organized a Mad Hatter Tea Party wedding flashmob, in just a week's time. He had called all my family and as many friends as possible, organizing a secret Facebook group where they could plan it all! The teacups he had washed that morning were stacked around the edge of the waterstage, 100 tea flavored cupcakes made by my sister with potluck picnic lunch for attendees and unending JOY. I stood in shock as I spotted the Major dancing next to his best man who had secretly flown in from Boston that morning. My mom pulled me down the stairs and people were cheering like crazy! I couldn't get down the stairs and to the Major fast enough. My words to her were: "I know you were walking me down the aisle but can I go by myself? I just HAVE to get to that man down there! I gotta get to that man!!" I flew as fast as my three inch heels could carry me, launching myself at him and kissing him. I couldn't believe he did all of this! We have the most amazing friends who participated EVER!

Thank you to all of those who came to our wedding and celebrated with us. Thank you to Sara, our awesome officiant. Thank you to my wonderful family!!

We love you!!
(Continued with the vows later and we're making a kickass Youtube video!)

Mama bear don't play that!

NOTICE: I've had it with bullies.

Those bigger asswipes who pick on people smaller than them because they think size will protect them, either thru intimidation or sheer force.
Those smaller Napoleon weenies who, like rabid, snarling poodles try to push others around, regardless of size because they have something to prove.

Well, guess what you little pricks? This little mama may be small but dynamite comes in small packages and I WILL NOT let my kids be victims. Yes, I KNOW violence isn't the answer and turning the other cheek is the best thing to do. However, my children shouldn't have to constantly deal with humiliation, fear or kicks to self confidence. They WILL be taught to stand up for themselves. They already stand up for other kids who are bullied but they don't think it's a big deal when others do it to them. I should be proud of that, knowing my boys are being raised well. But a part of me, that Lindsey demon, is growling and snarling herself and I'm about to let her loose.

Earlier today, a kid swatted at my kidlet who's 11, tall and broad for his age. He takes after his dad in more than size: he's also a gentle giant. He champions others and keeps his own hurts to himself. He told the kid, who happened to be smaller, to knock it off. The jerk then fake juked a punch to my son's face then punched him in the stomach. Unprovoked. (If you know my son, you know this is true and not just a mom turning a blind eye. And there were witnesses.) My kidlet didn't hit back but did have the wind knocked out of him and told the principal his side of the story. Little jerk talked to the principal too but didn't get punished. WHAAAA???

Oh, it is ON.

My son had the same problem with a jerk on his baseball team who was favored by the coach as well. That kid spread some terrible and hurtful rumors about the kidlet as well as spit at him and threw baseballs at his face. The kidlet turned away each time, ignoring the taunts but I KNOW it got to him. How do I know? Because another kid told me about how he would hear my kidlet put himself down under his breath during drills, repeating the same hurtful things the jerk had told him. (commence breakage of mommy's heart)

When I confronted the coaches, I was told "boys will be boys" and despite a no tolerance policy, the kid wasn't forced to sit on the bench, as I was told would happen. MY kid sat instead. Of course, I knew where the jerk got his attitude. His mother was a first-class headcase herself and fond of spreading her own brand of meanness. Some people never grow up.

During a big tournament where my kidlet was needed but still sat sideline, I asked the coach again why the other kid was still playing after his actions continued. I was the one ridiculed, (by the coach!) my parenting skills questioned. Mama don't play that! I immediately pulled my son from the team and let it be known loudly neither he NOR his brother would ever play for that coach again. Despite my ex-husband knowing him for many years and being an assistant coach for the same team. The team fell apart after that and good riddance to bad rubbish. Do I regret my actions? NO. Because I stood up for my son when he needed me most.

This next bully better watch it or he'll find himself in a world of hurt. My claws are being sharpened as we speak and the kidlet is about to learn tae kwon do moves from the Major.

God bless the family of a little boy in Stillwater who took his own life in front of students this morning because of bullies. Rest in Peace, Cade.

Silent All These Years No Longer

Amazing high praise for my blog today. I'm truly humbled that so many are reading it and giving me positive feedback. Sure, when I first started it, there were several who felt I revealed too much, criticized me for moving too fast with the Major, or just didn't understand why in the hell I would want to write about something so personal on the Internet.

Because it helps ME feel better about who I am, where I'm going in life as I accept challenges and changes and I hope someday my kids look back on it and know me for who I really am. For 37 years, I tried hiding behind what everyone else wanted me to be, this facade of happy-go-lucky goody two shoes. Sorry, but the human in me wanted out, wanted to be cherished, wanted MORE than I was given in life. I'm not handed what I want by any means now. I work just as hard for things, people and ideas, but I'm not afraid of voicing my opinion when warranted.

This is who I am and the Major loves me because of it. So do my friends and family. I'm liable to embarrass them at some point in time, but never out of meanness. Every single person in my life is or was there for a reason and I respect and love that. Believe it or not, I thank God for those who were even awful to me. Because it makes me appreciate my loved ones all the more.

So today's and tomorrow's blog will be about some of these wonders. Starting with the good stuff, of course!

From my FB:
Heather, 
As I was trying to avoid work I played catch up on the wonderful world of Facebook and then stopped by your blog to catch up! I want to thank you for your lovely use of words to describe life in a way that others can relate to and in a way that can allow me to get lost for 30 minutes, when I should be busy typing away at my computer & reading Deeds that bore me to death! I am glad that you are happy & I appreciate that you are able to turn blunders into reading enjoyment for others. Thank you for an escape. 
Misty 
P. S. You look MARVELOUS! (Girl, Did you know I was scared to death of you in junior high because you were so mean to me on the bus? Then I figured out you were just a big softie who needed understanding. ;))

From Bexi bunneh over at thepersistenceofthepen: I've recently just caught up as well...you give me a feeling of normalcy in a world that is far from normal...thoughts turn into things and whether positive or negative we both seem to find the positive in all things regardless of our first reaction to them. I too love that you give me an escape and the ability to relate to even the most ridiculous yet somehow relevant things :) love you bunneh xo (Love you too, sweet girl. See you soon!!)

My friend Char, who knows my situation EXACTLY and gives me sage advice with a keen sense of humor. We WILL be going back to Vegas some day!

Megs, Anne and Betty Red, my three favoritest redheads in the universe. Thank you for not stealing my soul and instead giving me reasons to laugh, cry and live.

To A: We don't really know each other but thank you for everything you did to bring the Major out of his shell and to be the man he is today. I'm eternally grateful you two are friends and hope you can ever remain so. I'm glad you have his back. You deserve much happiness.

Surreality is...

This is interesting. Weird. Lovely. Scary. Exactly what I've craved.

This living together, with my kids, in this house. Waking up every day next to each other. We hadn't done that except on trips. Now knowing that we will be seeing each other in all our glory and gory for as long as we can stand it. Excuse me while I clean out my eye-boogers before he wakes up.

I still have so much doubt that I'll live up to certain expectations, my own mainly. That, though I've managed to portray myself exactly as I am, I still won't be good enough. Because I really wasn't good enough before. Not according to some others' standards. Some insecurities are best left to children. But aren't we all just a bit child-like? No matter what anyone says, if you don't have SOME kind of doubts about yourself, or question your own motives and worry about what others think, then you're an egotistical douchebag. 


During my move into his house this weekend, I was overwhelmed. And more than a bit grumpy on a number of occasions from the sheer stress of it all. I tend to be shorter tempered than most when tired but kept myself under control. Then he'd crack a joke, I'd laugh or merely smirk at the absurdity and keep going. My mom was stunned at how neither of us snapped at each other and we just seemed happy instead of strained. Our house is a mess, boxes everywhere; I have no idea where anything is. Each box seems to have a surprise in it. And that bothers me. The clutter is causing me to have OCD and I may become a crack fiend to calm my nerves. I still have work to accomplish for clients and way too much to pack before we go on vacation tomorrow. IF I can find where I put our clothes and camping gear. 


It's a lot to absorb for all of us. So much change. So little time to adjust.

He'll have to get use to me laughing a bit too loud and finding my hairballs laying around, to being a stickler for manners and having a clutter free house. And to get use to having children in his house again.

I'll have to get use to him being a procrastinator and paper hoarder, to having a penchant for riling my kids up before bedtime, and the weird sleeping positions he has that look entirely too uncomfortable.

We'll both adjust to the eccentricities of our mothers, bless them both. To our siblings and their opinionated thoughts on our living situation and the ways of our relationship.

A family isn't perfect. We will never profess to be so. That frailty and fallibility is the most beautiful part of being human. Neither of us is perfect and I wouldn't have it any other way.

Gold, Silver, Platinum - Find Your Value

Make new friends

But keep the old.

One is silver

and the other gold.

The Scouts had it almost right. Old friends are usually silver, cherished but not tarnished. Reminders of other times when our youthful friendships were changeable. Gold friends, though newer, are sometimes more valuable because they are made when we are wiser, more choosy in our friendships. And then, there are the friendships the old song doesn't talk about. 

Platinum friendships are forged early, stronger to last thru tough times. These friends will never leave you, no matter how much you piss them off, which you undoubtedly will, if you are able to be truly honest with them and yourself. They are also the least understood, infinitely rarer. My Major has one of these with his ex and it's been an honor to watch the grace with which they've treated each other thru a divorce and beyond.

How could a couple travel the world together, figure out being married wasn't for them as a couple and yet remain so close? The reasons for the split are only between them or what they choose to share with others. However, it was cause for much needless speculation by friends and family. They all had their own opinions and still gossip about why they stay friends. I barely understand it myself, some days. 


But I'm proud of them. Earlier in February, he kept a promise made more than a year prior that he would go with her family on a trip. Despite some awkwardness, they had a wonderful time and I approved. This week, as I prepare to move in with him, he'll be driving her across country back to Canada. She's spent quite a bit of time with him and his son this week since there's no telling when she'll get to see them again. She's the Major's best friend and I approve.


I have a similar friendship with my ex. He's a great father to our kids though we weren't right for each other. But we still laugh together, still text each other, share stories. Some days are easier than others, and we piss each other off because our communication styles are different. But we mean well. 


So today I'll say again how proud I am of the Major and A. She deserves every happiness and I know she'll find it. And I hope she comes back to visit. 

A circle is round

and has no end.

That's how long

I want to be your friend.